Awesomeness of the Ocarina
by Villain-of-Awesome
Summary: The Holy Land of Hyrule is facing the greatest danger in history... but is it Ganondorf, or our supposed heroes, Link and Navi? An all new Ocarina of Time Parody like you never seen before! Romance! Drama! Comedy! Drugs! Et Cetera!
1. The Intro

**What up, Bastards!**

The name is Villain-of-Awesome, and I want to introduce you to my first fan fic in friggin ages. I have absolutely no idea what inspired me to do this, but as I strolled through , I realized that I had learned a lot since discovering the site and attending college. Thus, I decided to try my luck at fan fiction once again, and hopefully not fall in with the majority of fan fic authors and create trash. So no, I assure you, I will never write a troll fic and even if my story turns out ridiculous, like the one you are about to read, I will have done the best I can to make it awesome. Thanks!

Last note: I haven't played _Ocarina of Time_ in YEARS, so if I fuck something up, my bad.

* * *

_**Legend of Zelda:  
**__**Awesomeness of the Ocarina:  
**__**The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**_

**CRASH! **  
Rain.  
Silence.

A young boy in an emerald green tunic, stood almost lifelessly in front of a huge bricked building as a hard rain fell on his head. The loud crash came from the thunder of the storm, and the silence was there because no one else stood beside him. The child was alone with nothing but grass, the giant building, and a bluish, glowing, flying orb… _a flying orb_? _A fairy_?

_"Regardless, this place sucks_," the boy thought to himself as he stood there, dismissing the fairy like thing as soon as he noticed it, "_Its wet, its cold, its lonely and… _what the hell?"

The boy verbalized his thoughts as a big wooden door on the building began to slowly fall. The boy eventually realized just what he was looking at, it was a large castle, and the door was a draw bridge. The boy in green dropped his jaw just simultaneously with draw bridge as it dropped. His heart began to beat faster, the sweat began to mix with the rain as it dripped from his skin, and his muscles tightened as he prepared for whatever came next.

Then suddenly, he heard galloping. A horse? He was right. A large white horse ran as fast as it could out and away from castle. As it got closer to him, the young child noticed that the horse was carrying someone… no, two someones, who looked, to the boy, like a slim but muscular white haired dude, and with the dude rode an extremely cute and extremely well dressed young girl. Just as he noticed her, the fancily dressed girl noticed him, looking directly into his eyes as though they knew each other.

The boy wished he could have gotten a better look at the two, especially the young girl, but they were gone as quickly as they came, passing the boy and riding into the horizon.  
Had he been given enough time, the child would have replayed the moment in his mind and would have noticed that the riders seemed frantic, but not a second later, the boy had seen something else rising from the castle. He wished he could see the object better, but it looked just like a shadow, as though it was covered in all black. The boy in green was correct once again. Another horse was coming, this time baring a strange but scary looking man on its back. They moved just as fast as the first group… no faster… much faster… faster than any living thing could possibly move!

"_Wait a minute, that doesn't_ _sound like a horse! What is that?" _realized the boy, squinting to find out just what he was really looking at.

He found out much sooner than he thought and much sooner than he would have liked. It was a dark skinned man with short red hair and all black clothing. He carried a snarl on his face that would have betrayed him if he was trying to leave an impression as a nice man. He was also quite muscular, not simply cut like the white haired guy on the white horse, no, this man obviously took care of his body. But it wasn't him that surprised the boy. No, it was what he was riding, which was not at all a horse, but instead it was a black **2011 Kawasaki Ninja 1000 Sport**!

"What up, mothafucka?" boomed the man on the motorcycle, he was obviously not nice.

The boy stood speechless due to both fear and the effect of sheer awesomeness coming from this man's bike.

"Hehehehe…" the man chuckled like the douchebag the young boy assumed he was.

This was when the man raised his hand threateningly at the child. Unfortunately for the biker, the boy was not amused.

"A hand, dude? What are you going to do, smoosh my head?" the boy said arrogantly, he was not one to easily feel threatened.

"Give it a minute..." replied the bike riding stranger undeterred, "Behold!"

And as soon as he said that, out of hammer space, black a 9 millimeter hand gun appeared in the man's hand, pointed directly at the boy's face.

"I hope you enjoy dead baby comedy, boy!" the man cackled.

**Crash! **The thunder and lightning flashed at a seemingly appropriate time.

"Sigh," the boy exhaled right before he looked at you… yes, **you**, and stated, "yes, this is that type of story. This is going to **SUCK**!"

* * *

End of Intro… To be continued… because you will love it!


	2. The Hero Awakens Nothing is Accomplished

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**Up to Speed: The Holy Land of Hyrule**

The Holy Land of Hyrule is a very shitty place. It is a small country with a ridiculous amount of power globally, and an ecosystem that is highly unrealistic. So much so in fact that it is amazing that the country even exists.

Within it contains the most atrocious groups of people possible. The main race, the Hylian, control most of the country and its government. The people are not above bribery, stealing, cheating, fighting, adultery, and parking in handicapped spaces.

There are also slutty Gerudo Thieves in the west, whom the stupid people of Hyrule shouldn't trust (you know, because they base their culture on **thievery!**), and the Zora to the east, who control the water supply. The Zora motto is, "Piss us off, and we piss in your drinking water!" Hyrule has been kissing the Zora's ass for decades (let's not talk about the famous Egg Incident).

The Gorons in the mountains are probably the nicest, caring, and most easy going of the bunch. They are always hospitable and when things go wrong with the other people of Hyrule, they mind their own business. Doesn't mean the others respect this though, they view the Gorons as outcasts, like retards in a high school cafeteria.

Mind you that this is all during peace time. The King of Hyrule, whom is actually a decent person, works hard so that everyone is treated equally and fairly. As a result, the crime rate is at an all-time low, the economy is rising, and the Holy Land of Hyrule is heading towards an age of prosperity that it hasn't seen in generations. Too bad an asshole Gerudo was going to screw over the entire country…

* * *

**Kokiri Emerald Saga****  
Chapter 1: The Hero Awakens, Nothing is Accomplished**

"Navi! Navi! Come hither!" boomed a dry yet majestic voice.

"Yes, Great Deku Tree?" answered a small yet disproportionately loud voice.

"Thy world is falling into a depressing darkness; evil is beginning to rear its head upon Hyrule and has already reached the edges of this forest!" the Deku Tree briefed.

Navi, a fairy in her late twenties, gasped at this revelation. Being a spirit of the forest, she is sensitive to polarizing energies such as good and evil, but she had not noticed a thing.

"Are you serious?" she asked, immediately hoping that he had not noticed her impudence, "Sir, I haven't sensed any evil within the forest!"

"Dost thou not trust thee? A powerful evil beyond thou sight hast slowly crept here. Thy reasoning for alerting you now instead of earlier was because I had to wait," the Deku Tree explained.

Navi was beginning to grow frustrated. The fairy wasn't ready for the sudden revelation and she knew that the Great Deku Tree never lied, but what could he have possibly been waiting for?

"Navi," he said finally, "thou hast been given a new assignment; thou must find the 'Boy without a Fairy' and bring him to me. He has now become of age and his journey must begin!"

"…the hell?"

The fairy had no clue what the Great Deku Tree was talking about except for the fact that he wanted her to find the 'Boy without a Fairy' and that she had been reassigned. This by itself pissed her off. She had the best job a fairy could ask for, well paid, great hours, awesome social life, but now she had to work with one of those delinquent Kokiri! A Guardian Fairy is the absolute worst job a fairy could have. But, maybe it won't last that long. Whoo boy, she is in for a surprise!

"Yes sir, Great Deku Tree!" Navi finally accepted, and was on her way without a second thought.

The Kokiri was an obscure race of people that was all but unknown to the rest of the Holy Land of Hyrule. They were a small group of children, children whom were free from the flow of time. Once they reached a certain age, they stopped growing, thus they were forever in a child's body. This of course didn't bother them, for they knew nothing of the outside world and the most curious moment one's life: puberty.

The fairy passed by the pre-teen form of trash as she flew through the forest. Just like most of Hyrule, the Kokiri were assholes. This may have been because the Deku Tree was just that, a tree, making it sort of difficult to discipline the children. In fact it was the Guardian Fairies whose job was to take care of these children and be parental figures. This… does not work well…

"'AY! 'AY, FAIRY! You don't look like you 'spose to be around here!" shouted a Kokiri boy when he spotted the fairy.

"What's it to you?" Navi retorted, bad choice of words.

"Oh! This bitch think she badass!" said the Kokiri as he and the two others with him walked towards her.

Navi sighed. It was 10 in the morning, and she was already getting harassed.

"What do you want dudes?" Navi asked, hoping she can get out of this predicament.

"I know what I want!" one of the Kokiri's fairies cut in, "Let me get some of that fairy ass!"

"Gah!" Navi shouted, offended.

"Ew, why would you want ass? That's what you doo-doo out of!"

Damn the Kokiri and their lack of sex education.

"Look just give me all your money and we will leave you alone."

"Really?" shouted Navi in disbelief, "you're mugging me in broad daylight?"

The Kokiri pulled out his Deku Switchblade as he, his companions, and their fairies each smiled affirmatively.

"HEEEEEEELLP!"

Of course this would be the smart thing to do anywhere else, but the Kokiri Forest was so corrupt that everyone turned their heads. There was no hope for the fairy.

"Son of a bitch!" she exclaimed in frustration.

She slowly dipped into her purse as the gang gave her time to reach for her wallet. She felt lucky that the Kokiri were incompetent, because this allowed her to formulate and execute her plan which was basically her saying, "FUCK YOU, BITCH!" as she grabbed her Fairy Pepper Spray and attack the entire group, giving her time to fly away.

Each one of the group coughed, moaned, and held their burning eyes due to the unsuspected attack. The fairy flew as fast as she could in order to get away from the gang and to get back on the quest she was forcefully digressed from. She wanted to finish this as soon as possible, so she could get back to her original job, the job she trained for, the job she loved so much.

* * *

"UUUUUGGGHH!"

The young girl moaned as she had dreadful visions. She could see it, she could see her country fall into darkness and chaos, and it was all caused by one man.  
"I can't let this happen… oh, if only I knew how to tell my ffffffffffffaaaaaaaAAAAGGGHHH!"

The girl, named Zelda, groaned once again. It was starting to grow painful, but she didn't let it distract her from her thoughts. Her country was in danger and it was her responsibility as princess to save it, even if her father didn't respect that at this time.

"GGGAAAAHHH!"

But Zelda did get distracted from her original thought, she wondered once again, how is it even possible that she had these powers. The power to foresee prophecies and the power to interpret other's dreams. Yes, she could do these amazing things, but yet she couldn't interpret her own dreams and she couldn't figure a way to stop the wicked man that may one day doom the kingdom.

"Maybe I should just tell my father directly… he knows that I have these powers, what are the ooooOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDs that my father would dismiss me?"

The young princess Zelda contemplated on this one thought for a while, then once again dismissed it. She knew she was putting herself through denial, her father would never accept her idea. It was just too crazy. 'Ganondorf, the king of the Gerudo was going to attempt to control the kingdom?' Ridiculous.

"How can one man from an obscure part of the countRROUGH, country take over anyway… it's strategically stupid. He doesn't have the man power and… of course! THE !"

The Triforce was an ancient relic beloved to the entire kingdom. The barer of it can have anything they desire. If Ganondorf got his hands on the Triforce, he wouldn't have to stop at Hyrule; he could take over the planet! Hyrule was screwed!

"That's it! I have to tell Father! I have no ! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! GOD! GAAAHHH! THAT'S IT! FUCK THIS! **GUARD!**"

"Yes, your highness!" a guard of the castle answered from outside the door.

The guard heard Zelda's royal toilet flush. A moment later he heard it flush again.

"NOO! IT'S OVERFLOWING!"

"Um… would you like me to get the royal plumber, your highness?" the guard asked wearily.  
"THIS IS THE **WORST** DUMP I EVER TOOK IN LIFE! WHO COOKED BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?"

"Uh… Chef Anderson I think…"

"HE DID THIS TO ME! I BEEN LIKE THIS EVER SINCE I ATE HIS EGGS! FEED HIM TO THE LIONS, POISON HIM WITH HIS OWN FOOD, I DON'T CARED WHAT YOU DO, **DESTROY** HIM!" shouted the now hostile Zelda.

Severe diarrhea was not a great experience for the princess, and the fact that her own stool clogged up her perfect royal toilet was humiliating at best.

"I will go and grab him for you immediately," called the guard before he ran off.

"NO, WAIT!" Zelda cried through the door, hoping that the guard heard her.

"Yes?"

"I want you to bring Chef Anderson here, he will have the honor of wiping My Majesty's Royal Ass, **and then** he dies!"

The guard bowed to the door before he took off to do his new duty.

"God Dammit! I haven't had a man executed in 3 years!" the princess said to herself angrily, she hated the fact that she had to break her record.

The guard felt disappointed as he ran to fetch his target, "Lucky bastard, one day I will get to wipe Her Majesty's Royal Ass…"

* * *

"Excuse me, where is the house of the 'kid with no fairy'? I'm sure you know him because he is the only poor bastard in this forest without… you know… a fairy."

Navi was beginning to grow desperate; she has been looking for this kid for the last hour, and she was getting absolutely nowhere. Now was time to ask for directions, like a sensible woman.

"Oh, Link? Yeah, I know where he is," said a large eyed, round faced, trustworthy looking Kokiri.

"_Awesome, directions and a name!"_

"You go through the red light, to the left after the large green house and up yours!"

The Kokiri smiled coyly and the fairy frowned angrily. Without another word, Navi flew away, silently cursing the existence of the Kokiri.

In her OLD job, she wouldn't have to put up with these disrespectful kids, with her OLD job; she could be chit-chatting with her companions on intellectual matters, with her OLD job… "wait, what is this?"

Navi hovered in front of a sign that clearly read "Link's House." That sign stood in front of a shoddy looking tree house. The tree house itself looked just as sturdy as any of the other Kokiri houses, but something was different about this one… not just the fact that it was a tree house, no, this one seemed odd. Regardless of what separated this house from the rest, Navi noticed the name.

"Link."

That little tool may have helped her after all.

Without a moment's notice, Navi flew inside the tree house. What she saw inside was something she saw before, but not something she expected in a Kokiri's home. Liquor and beer bottles everywhere. Trash all over the place. A disturbing smell that reeked of sex and alcohol. On the table lay the dried leaves of a plant that she KNEW didn't grow in the forest. This house was much too mature for a Kokiri's home; in fact it may well be a college dorm room! It WAS a college dorm room.

Another look around revealed something else, a young Kokiri lying in bed, sleeping restlessly. But… when there was a Kokiri, there was a fairy. Where was the guardian fairy? To the left? To the right? Up? Down? No, there was no guardian fairy. On the wall hung two posters, one of Bob Marley, and the other of John Belushi, wearing his infamous 'college' sweater from _Animal House_, a movie Navi HATED.

The boy had to be Link, and Link was a Kokiri party boy, and he had no fairy. **Fuck**.

"Hey, Link, wake up!" said Navi in an attempt to wake the boy up.

Link, the boy clad in an emerald green tunic, merely rolled over in his bed. All his clothes were on, including his hat. He had a long night.

"Link, WAKE UP! God, the Great Deku Tree is sending someone like _you_ on a journey? Well whatever, after this I can go back on my sweet old job, _God I love that job!_ I love the atmosphere, the smell, the area, oh and the people! Especially, Joseph… oh that lovable Joseph… damn I forgot to talk to him today… he said he wanted to see me, maybe he was going to finally ask me on a date! I had seen it in his eyes, and he is always smiling when he talks to me! Oh, and when he touched me, he had those soft, yet masculine hands… I'm sure his lips feel the same way… Yes, yes, I long to have his lips placed upon mine. I'm ready for that passionate first kiss, transcending time and space… nothing else in the world matters… just me and him…"

"That's nice, you should be a poet! But when does it get to the part where you and Joe do it?"

Navi quickly snapped out of her estrogen fueled daydream to turn around and catch the now awakened Link smiling at her. He had bright blue eyes and blond hair, and his youthful appearance betrayed his vulgarity. He looked innocent and pure. Navi knew that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but for some reason, this boy made her feel comfortable.

"Um," Navi began, still embarrassed by her earlier rambling, "My name is Navi, it's nice to meet you."

"Likewise, I'm Link, the infamous Boy without a Fairy!" he said, still beaming the brightest smile.

"_The boy is charming,_" Navi thought, "_This kid might not be so bad."_

"I'm here because the Great Deku Tree sent me here. He requests your appearance."

The boy's eyes widened as soon as he heard this news. To see the Great Deku Tree was always an honor to all forest folk, including the Kokiri.

"Holy shit! Really! Well I got to get dressed, I got to shower, and…"

"No time, just come as you are!" Navi said, interrupting Link's banter.

Link sighed. He looked to Navi as though he felt guilty about something.

"What's wrong?" she asked.  
"Last night was a mistake. Had I known I was going to be seeing the Great Deku Tree today, I would have never done what I done."

Link's eyes hit the floor.

"Oh well… can I at least bring my botany project?"

Navi now loved this kid, he was charismatic, he was polite, and he was smart beyond his years!

"Sure, of course! In fact, I would love to see what you were working on myself!"

Navi loved an educated man, after all, what comes before learning? Education was the most important thing in this world, without it, man would be lost. Link was the perfect child! A Kokiri who was smart and mature!

Link opened up his dresser drawer, closed it, and opened it up again. The boy then cursed to himself before closing the draw back up permanently and walking toward the table. Navi was confused. This didn't last long after Link picked up the dried leaves from the table and shown then to the fairy.

"Apparently, this is what's left of my project," Link said with a little aggression in his tone, "It's a cross breed between a marijuana plant and a Deku Baba! It's Cursed Weed!"

The boy was a little too smart.

"But some asshole had to steal my plant! That's the last time I'm letting mother fuckers in my house to party! Damn the strippers! I want my weed!"

And a little too mature.

"Navi, do you smoke? Well of course you do, everyone smokes, but have you ever been cursed and high at the _same time_? Best experience ever… well sometimes. It's a 2:1 ratio that you will even remember it.

Tainted. Navi's perfect Kokiri was now and forever tainted. He was far from perfect; he was actually just like the other piece of shit Kokiri, only this one was well versed in plants.

"Let's get the fuck outta here," Navi said, deadpan.

Link was confused by the fairy's sudden change in mood. Whatever, she must have been bi-polar. Nothing really bothered Link at this point, he was still pissed off that someone had the nerve to go in his dresser drawer and steal his plant! Who goes through people's drawers in the first place! That's why he hid it in there to begin with…If only he wasn't cursed and high, he could have remembered who did it…

* * *

End of Chapter 1… To be continued… I want you to shave your cat or die…


	3. Link Goes To See the Deku Tree

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**Just So You Would Know: The Lost Woods Region **

The Lost Woods is a large area of deciduous woodland on the east side of the Holy Land. Unlike most other wooded areas, this particular region of Hyrule inhabited multiple well developed civilizations and cultures. These included the Deku, the Kokiri, the fairies, and other life forms to whom the woods shelter. Above all of these creatures, ruled the guardian spirit of the Woods, the Great Deku Tree.

The three main civilizations go hand in hand with one another. The Deku acts like an unofficial militia for the land, keeping away foreigners and keeping the population of predators low. The Kokiri with their humanoid bodies create tools and machines that keep the land thriving. The fairies watch and govern over the land in an attempt to keep order the best that they can.

Of course this should cause the group to live in harmony with one another. This is not so. Jealously and prejudice cause the groups the hate and fight each other… not that this isn't justified sometimes. The Deku, with their strength, are the douchebags of the group, often coming out just to show off and fuck with people. The Kokiri, being immature kids without proper parental figures, form gangs and cause trouble for everyone with their, not always simply childish, mischief. The fairies look down on everybody due to being a slightly higher form of existence, but due to their nature to seek companionship, it's not hard to bring them to a Kokiri's level.

The Wood themselves also contain powerful magic, causing strangers to take ugly shapes if they were to become lost. This also doesn't protect them from the monsters that inhabit the land. In simpler words, the Lost Woods sucks, and volunteering to tread though them just shows how too stupid you are to even live.

* * *

**Kokiri Emerald Saga****  
Chapter 2: Link Goes to See the Deku Tree, Hilarity Ensues**

Link and Navi walked out of the tree house, both pissed, and for good reason. Link has discovered a way to cross breed a marijuana plant and a Deku Baba, a type of evil monster plant. The end result created, what Link calls, Cursed Weed. Link was quite proud of this discovery, but some asshole had to go through his shit and steal his plant. Link silently vowed to make the guilty culprit pay.

Navi on the other hand could have been doing something more important than baby sit a delinquent Kokiri. She thought of Joseph, the fairy that she adored so much. It's only been a few hours since their last meeting, but each time they meet, time seems as though it stops. They have the greatest conversation, about themselves, their jobs… each other… BUT YES, her job! It was the greatest thing in the world! She loved it, for it allowed her to work with her passion. She would do it anytime, rain or shine, sleet or snow. Maybe she was a workaholic, but she didn't care. It was her bread and butter, her reason for waking up in the morning, it was her life. She would do it forever if she had the chance, and yes, she took that choice. She would do that job for the rest of her life. Why wouldn't she? The atmosphere, the smell, the peop-

"**LINK!**" cried a young green haired girl from below Link's tree house, **"YAHOO! DOWN HERE! LINK! LINK!"**

"She's rather… excited to see you," Navi said, sort of weary of the green haired girl.

"Yeah…" Link replied kind of embarrassed, "The girl… has her quirks."

Link sighed as he climbed down the ladder to his tree house, Navi floating shortly after. The fairy wondered about the boy's change in mood, was something wrong with this girl… well of course there was. _All_ Kokiri were fucked up, but at least Link could interact with his own kind.

The girl opened her mouth, "Linky poo! I being waiting all morning in front of your tree house for you to wake up! I even made you breakfast! They're pancakes, and I used the syrup to spell your name out on top of them!"

_"Oh this kid is fucked!" _Navi thought to herself about the green haired newcomer.

_"Man this kid is fucked…"_ Link thought to himself seeing what the green haired newcomer did, "Look Saria, I appreciated it, but…"

"Uh, uh, uh!" interrupted the girl named Saria, "You just got out, you can't go without breakfast!"

The girl pulled out her picnic basket, and pulled out a full course breakfast, containing scrambled eggs, hash browns, grits, bacon, sausage, pancakes (with the syrup already dried out), a grapefruit, and an already prepared bowl of Goron-Os! How she got the milk not to spill out of the bowl, no one knows.

"Eat up!"

"Mmmm-mm…" Link feigned breakfasty delight, "How long ago did you prepare this?"

"Three o'clock this morning!" Saria replied proudly.

"_Holy shit,_" was the very words running through Navi's mind, but Link wasn't quite as surprised. Instead he nonchalantly continued his conversation.

"I understand, but please explain to me what time you went to sleep, because as far as I can remember you were at my party last night at two in the morning. Don't ask me why I remember I just do."

Link was serious. He barely remembered anything about the party due to the effects of the Cursed Weed, but this event immediately stuck out to him.

"I never slept! I couldn't bear the thought of my love, Link, going out the next day hungry! And I knew that if I slept I would miss you, so I cooked breakfast and camped out in front of your house, because I knew you would come out eventually!"

It was getting close to noon. The girl was in front of Link's door for almost eight hours.

"But I can't, I have this thing with the Deku Tree, right um… fairy?"

Navi dismissed Link's forgetting her name. Either way he was right. As weird as things were going at the moment, the two of them were on important business; this strange friend of Link's would have to wait.

"It's Navi, and yes, we do have official business with the Great Deku Tree, so Miss Saria, please take no offence but…"

"LINK YOU GOT A FAIRY! OH EM GEE!" Saria squealed as her now freakishly huge eyes stared at Navi, "This is so awesome! Now your fairy and my fairy can get married too!"

"WAIT, WHAT YOU SAY NOW?" Navi almost fell out the sky due to the sheer amount of stupidity flying out of the girl's mouth.

Navi took a look at Saria's fairy that, under the bright green glow, wore bags under his eyes and sported a five o'clock shadow. He looked old and tired… which was the bad thing: fairies don't age.

"Sup," the fairy said as though he knew what Navi was thinking.

"Yeah… but we got to go!" Link tried his hardest to get away, but it wasn't working.

"The Deku Tree can wait; you have to eat your breakfast now, future husband!" Saria grew more artificial with each word.

"THE GREAT DEKU TREE CAN WHAT?" Navi snapped, no one disrespected the Great Deku Tree, after all, he was the one that created all of them, "You disrespectful brat! How dare you say that about the Great Deku Tree! Even dreadful Kokiri like YOU know that the Great Deku Tree requires the upmost respect! Why I ought to take off my belt right now and…" **SMACK!**

Navi was slugged in the face by the grapefruit Saria prepared for Link. Link concluded that the girl had a hell of a throwing arm.

"**LINK! EAT! BREAKFAST! NOW!**"

He took a fistful of scrambled eggs and stuffed it in his mouth.

"But its coooooooold!"

"**BREAKFAST GET WARM IN LINK'S MOUTH!**"

Well, she was logically correct.

Navi slowly rose from the ground as she recovered from Saria's fruit attack. This was turning into a horrible day. She was reassigned to a Kokiri, she almost got robbed by a Kokiri, she was harassed by a Kokiri for simply asking directions and a Kokiri threw a grapefruit at her. Fuck the Kokiri, they can all burn in hell!

"**FAIRY WAKE UP NOW? FAIRY GET BREAKFAST TOO!**"

Navi sighed, "Awesome, how can this day get any worse?"

**"SARIA MAKE BEST BREAKFAST IN KOKIRI FOREEEeess**szzzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Link and Navi stared blankly at Saria. The Kokiri had young bodies, lack of sleep never worked well with them. As a result, Saria fell asleep in the middle of her sentence while standing up. Of course the breakfast was still being steadily held in her hands.

Link and Navi looked at each other, nodded, and tiptoed around the green haired girl. Even though Navi tempted fate with the dreaded "It can't get any worse" stock phrase, things actually got better. Link noticed this, but he didn't want to push his luck.

After they were at a far enough distance, Navi finally asked, "Hey, Link, what's with that chick?"

"Oh, Saria is a crazy stalker, which is odd," he answered, "Normally in Zelda fan fiction, the Zora Princess Ruto is the stalker, but Saria is the author's attempt to be original and invoke an alternate character interpretation based on Saria's running towards the player character's house in the game. It's going to interesting what Ruto's characterization will be once we hit the Jabu-Jabu arc of this story."

Navi blanked and stood silent for a moment before she let out a big, "**WHAAAT?**"

"Oh… sometimes I have these bouts when I have the ability to break the fourth wall. It's not permanent, but it allows me to understand the ludicrous yet epic nature of this story. And just to warn you, I won't remember this conversation." Link concluded.

"…are you serious?" asked Navi.

"Serious about what?" Link blanked.

"About that fourth wall shit!"

"Fourth wall? You mean like literature?"

Navi said nothing else. Link shrugged and went about his business, she must have been smoking, he figured. Navi however was disturbed by this, if Link was right, they were screwed, big time.

* * *

Zelda decided that it would be best for her to tell her father about her visions and Ganondorf. The girl wasn't very confident in herself, and for good reason, the only "proof" she had that Ganondorf was evil was a dream that she had, and even it was vague at that. But she had little choice.

"Father…" Zelda began as she walked into her father, the King's, study.

"Yes, Zelda?" he answered, looking up from the documents that he was reading.

"Um… I don't know how to tell you this…" Zelda looked around the room in an ill attempt to figure out how to talk to her father.

"OH MY GOD, YOU HAD YOUR FIRST PERIOD!" the King cried, alerting the guards.

"Uh… no, first of all I had my first period two years ago and…"

"Is there something wrong sire!" frantically asked a concerned castle guard, interrupting Zelda in the process.

"Guard, my daughter is on her period, you must ride to the town and purchase the best tampons in the land!" the King ordered, ignoring Zelda's corrections.

"Father! I am not on my period!"

The King of Hyrule stopped, breathed for a moment, and looked to his daughter. He was one of those men who would forever look at his daughter as his little baby girl, as a result, Zelda having her menstrual cycle was one of the worst crisis to hit Hyrule. Of course he conveniently forgot (read: denied) that his daughter was in her very early teens.

"Then what could it possibly be?" asked the king, a little relieved.

"It's Ganondorf! I believe he is going to attempt a coup d'état!"

"A what?"

"It's an over throw of the government by a small…"

"I know what a coup d'état, is! Unlike most parodies, I don't think the author intends to add many stupid people in it! That includes me!" the King of Hyrule reassured angrily.

* * *

"There goes that fourth wall again," Link stated in a slightly annoyed tone.

Navi's attention was caught, "What! What happened? What about the fourth…"

* * *

"What gives you the idea that the idea that Ganondorf is going to betray us?" the king asked.

"Well first of all, how can you trust a man who is known as 'The King of Thieves?'" Zelda asked, folding her arms and hoping for an intelligent answer.

"Well your reputation doesn't always define who you are, and even if it did, that doesn't mean that you can change."

The King's logic made sense. It was an ideological philosophy, how can you argue with it?

"You know those prophetic dreams I usually had?" Zelda asked.

The King nodded.

"Father, I saw evil covering the land of Hyrule in the form of black clouds, and these clouds came specifically from the desert to the west. Ganondorf is a malevolent figure, and even in his home, he is viewed as dreadful and untrustworthy." Zelda grew more comfortable as she made her point, "Even though my dream is cryptic by itself, you have to take in account the multiple rumors: he rapes and beats his own women, he makes his money by illegal methods, plus I have even heard that he was a cannibal! The man is… like a pig (foreshadowing)!"

"I understand, Zelda."

The princess was relieved. She was 100 percent sure that her father would not believe her, but it comes to show, even the people you know the most can still surprise you.

"GUARD! HER PERIOD IS SO BAD THAT IT DRAINED THE BLOOD FROM HER BRAIN! WE MUST DEPART AT ONCE!"

And surprise her, the King did. He rushed out of the room with the castle guards, and will little time to prepare, made it out of the castle, mounted the royal carriage and raced for Castle Town. To him, it was the upmost importance to get Zelda the greatest tampons ever. Unbeknownst to him, Zelda was already given the greatest tampons ever… last week.

* * *

"Following the King would be a hell of a sub-plot, but I don't think the author wants to go in that direction," Link said as the group walked towards the Great Deku Tree's meadow.

Navi ignored Link's nonsense. She didn't care what was going on anymore; after all it was just a matter of time before the two of them see the Great Deku Tree and she could go back to her old jo… "AWW, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"

An ugly, red haired, freckled Kokiri blocked the duo's path to the Deku Tree. Navi was pissed, by now she knew that whenever they were stopped, something stupid was going to happen that would further delay their journey.

"Hey 'Mr. No Fairy!' Where do ya think your goin'?" the boy named Mido asked, fulfilling his role as a stereotypical bully.

"I'm going to see the Deku Tree, so get the hell out of my way, Mido!" Link said unfazed.

"Like hell if I would! I'm the boss of this place, and it's my responsibility to keep pest like you away from the Deku Tree! You don't even have a fairy! You're not even a real man; you're a half man, like homosexuals and cripples!" Mido said like the asshole that he was.

"THAT'S IT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY YOU KOKIRI PIECE OF SHIT!" snapped Navi, these diversions were starting to get to her, plus she hated the fact that nobody noticed her.

Link simply stepped out of the way. He would have assisted Navi, but he seen where this was going. Though he stood up to Mido several times, he knew it was wise to avoid a fist fight at the time, and this little meeting was about to go to hell.

"YOU ARE A HOMOPHOBE AND YOU ARE PREJUDIS TOWARDS THE DISABLED! AND YOU CALL SOMEONE ELSE A HALF MAN?" Navi, of course was oblivious to the fact that she discriminated against the Kokiri, "I ONLY KNOWN YOU FOR TWO SECONDS, TWO FUCKING SECONDS, AND YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE WORST THING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! AND I BET I KNOW WHY! IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SO ASS UGLY?"

Navi struck a nerve with Mido, but can you blame him? How would you feel if someone called you "ass ugly"?

"DOES NOBODY WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR UGLY ASS? AND YOU ARE A SHORT PIECE OF SHIT! HOW DOES IT FEEL BEING PICKED LAST FOR BASKETBALL ALL **THE FUCKING TIME**!"

And what better way to top caps lock? You make it bold!

"**YOU ARE LESS THAN SHIT; YOU ARE THE INTESTINE IN THE BODY THAT PRODUCES THE SHIT! YES, THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN YOUR LIFE IS TO MAKE SHIT! YOU KNOW WHAT GOD THINKS OF YOU? HE DOESN'T! GOD CREATED MAN, BUT YOU ARE NOTHING BUT GOD'S SHIT TURD!"**

She contradicted herself a few times, but the sting was still there.

"_**AND YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF THE BOSS OF THE KOKIRI? I HATE THESE LITTLE BITCHES, BUT YOU SIR, YOU ARE A WHOLE NEW SPECTRUM OF WORTHLESSNESS!"**_

Yes, Navi was now officially cap locked, bold, and italicized and increase in voice level caused most of the village to nosily wonder towards the argument. And of course, even though Navi was talking about Mido, she couldn't detract everyone from the fact that she insulted their entire race. Link knew things wasn't going to be good, but he didn't expect things to go this bad.

"_**AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?**_" Navi's voice and insults was about to go full power, "_**FUCK YOU, YOUR DREAMS, YOUR MORALS, YOUR SOUL, AND EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH YOU! YOU CAN GO KILL YOURS…**_"

Mido quickly grabbed Navi out of the air and pitched her like a baseball across the village. Everyone clapped as she screamed in a high pitched voice all the while soaring across the air faster than she ever sored before. Link frowned. She may not have been the best person he ever met, but he needed her. She should have learned her lesson from Saria.

"What was I saying again?" asked Mido, once again turning towards Link, "Oh yeah, you ain't getting in '_Mr. No Fairy'!_"

This joke was now more relevant.

"But seriously Mido! I have to see the Tree! I've been summoned!" Link reinforced.

But Mido wasn't having it. He was always jealous of Link, he was popular, he was good looking, he had all the best stuff, and he had Saria. He couldn't let Link win; he had to knock him off his high horse.

Link knew how Mido felt about him, but being the jerk that he was, shown off in front of Mido whenever possible. He even bragged about that freak Saria… even though she was a freak! He couldn't let Mido win; he had to stay on top.

"Oh yeeeah?" Mido leaned in, hoping Link wouldn't start a fist fight.

"Yeeeah!" Link leaned in, hoping Mido wouldn't start a fist fight.

The two were practically kissing, but neither would back down. They were the ultimate rivals, and they were now in a staring contest that could practically shatter the universe. But someone had to give. Someone had to blink, someone had to look away. Sweat began to drip off their foreheads, muscles tightened, eyebrows furrowed. To lose would be like to die, but neither would be dying anytime soon.

"Uh, guys?"

"WHAT?" they both shouted in unison as they looked towards the person that interrupted them, which was Mido's fairy.

"This isn't going to end anytime soon so, why don't you make some sort of trade off?"

Mido's fairy was smart.

"Fine," Link agreed, "I want access to the Deku Tree, so what do you want, Mido?"

"I want some Cursed Weed," Mido said immediately. He knew how to get into Link's skin.

"Fuck you, no!" there was no possible way Link was giving away the last of his stash to Mido, Deku Tree be damned.

"Fine, your access is denied," Mido said smiling.

"But that's not fair!"

Link was cunning, but this time he was in a bad predicament. He could give Mido his weed, but then he would have nothing to smoke, and all his research would have been for nothing. Or he could keep the weed, but then he couldn't see the Deku Tree, and as a result he couldn't present his Cursed Weed to him anyway! There had to be a third option.

"Common Mido! Don't you want something else?" Link practically begged.

"Well…" Mido thought for a moment, than soon thought of the best idea, "I have an idea! You come back here with a sword and shield, and I will let you pass for free! Yep, you don't have to give me the sword and shield, you just got to show me you have them!"

"Done!" Link said without hesitation.

Mido had Link now. Shields were expensive, and even if Link scrapped up the money for one, there was no sword anywhere in the forest. Mido caught Link in a dumbass moment, and there was no way he was getting out of it.

Link shook Mido and his fairy's hand and departed. Link wasn't thinking when he agreed to Mido's terms, but he wasn't discouraged after he thought about it after the fact. They were in a forest. Can there seriously not be any swords in the entire Lost Woods Region of Hyrule? Link doubted that idea.

As Link walked back towards his house to gather his savings, he stepped on something that made a loud crunching noise. He picked up his left foot to discover a small fairy, twitching painfully on the ground.

"It hurts…" Navi said, unable to lift herself off of the ground.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Link replied, and quickly dismissed the fairy and walked away. Link was nice, but he was a total bastard.

"Don't leave me… I think my spine has been severed… don't leave, please…" Navi's pleas where unheard.

* * *

"My father is a dumbass."

Zelda paced around the castle, still unable to solve her problem. She couldn't tell her father about her dreams; it will only make the king send off for tampons. Isn't that stupid?

She had to do something to take her mind off of things. Of course, that in particular was an easy problem to solve. Zelda was a master of disguise (foreshadowing!), so it would be easy for her to sneak out of the castle and travel to the Castle Town without being harassed. Hilarity would probably ensue at her expense, but she was willing to take the risk.

She quickly ran to her room and changed from her high class clothing into things that she thought would make her appear more common. She put her hair in a ponytail, and attempted to wash the perfume from her body. The less attention she drawn, the better.

She looked into the mirror and saw not herself, but a dirty, tomboyish looking girl who may well have been a street urchin. Zelda was satisfied, and with that, she hopped out her window like a cat, and caught the closest tree limb to her. Each time she did this, she thanked her parkour teacher, who was also her nanny.

Impa, or Ninja Nanny, as dubbed by the king of Hyrule, was nowhere to be found, and she liked it that way. Even though many times she couldn't be seen within the castle, she never failed at her job. She had eyes and ears everywhere, and whenever Zelda screwed up or attempted to screw up, Impa was immediately there. However, Impa's biggest mistake, was teaching the young princess to be a miniature version of Impa herself.

Zelda shimmied down the tree, dodged the guards, and hopped from one end of the castle field to the other without rousing the slightest bit of suspension. Zelda began to wonder whether she was that good or the guards were just that incompetent. She figured it was the former, later in the story she will learn that she was wrong and that it was the later.

Zelda was well on her way now, nothing can stop her now… _SSPPPUUUUTTT!_

"Oh, no…" Zelda said, knowing what was happening.

The girl farted. It was a loud wet fart, but a fart none the less. Zelda was now feeling Chef Anderson's wrath, for it was the 2nd round of that morning's breakfast being forced out… and she was too far away from any toilet.

"FUCK YOU, CHEF ANDERSON, **FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!"**

* * *

End of Chapter 2… To be continued… Don't act like you are too mature for toilet humor!


	4. They Still Don't See the Deku Tree

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**In Case You Didn't Know: The Kokiri Village**

The most famous and well developed part of the Lost Woods was the Kokiri Village, which nestled within the Kokiri Forest area. As destructive as the Kokiri were, the children were civilized enough to live in what you can somewhat compare to as harmony with one another.

This may be due to the direct influence of the Great Deku Tree, who lived just a small walk away from the village. The Deku Tree is a positive presence for the entire Lost Woods region, without it, the Woods would have total chaos.

As the Tree grew older however, the evil beasts of the forest began to grow wilder. Some even slip into the Kokiri Village. Though the other forest dwellers may become happy for the extermination of the Kokiri, this was not a good thing. The Kokiri helped keep the balance of the forest.

Mido was the unofficial leader of the Kokiri, only challenged in authority by Link. This was due to the independent nature of the Kokiri, they had the ability to function without a leader, as a result Mido's presence was no hassle, and he was easily shrugged off.

He did, however, keep a small bit of order throughout the village, mostly through extortion. His power kept the dangerous criminal Deku Family out of the village. The Deku Family was the mobsters of the woods, and Mido's ability to keep them out was highly impressive. In fact, no one noticed that the Deku Family was being a little too quite…

* * *

**Kokiri Emerald Saga****  
Chapter 3: They Still Don't See the Deku Tree in this Chapter **

"'They Still Don't See the Deku Tree in this Chapter?' What the hell kind of chapter title is that?"

Link didn't contemplate the thought long. He had more important things to do, like find his money in his dirty and chaotic tree house. He normally kept his savings in one area, but he was growing more and more stressed once he discovered that his cash was not under his mattress.

"COME ON!" Link shouted as he turned over his coffee table in frustration, "I can't believe this! How can I misplace my money?"

Link continued to search, but his money never appeared. He decided to sit down, be calm, and think about it. Where could his money possibly be?

"I carried my wallet to the store last night, and I came straight back after buying soda… I put my savings back under my bed just before the party started… after that I… party?"

Link finally realized what had happened, and it was the same thing that happened to his Cursed Weed.

"DAMN THEIVEEEEEESSSSSS!" Link cried out angrily, but not on par with Navi's anger.

Link stormed out of his house, hopped down from the porch and passed a now awake Saria.

"Link, are you ready for breakfast now?" she asked cheerfully.

"GO BACK TO SLEEP!" Link answered in a tone that was the total opposite of cheerful.

"Yes, my darling fiancé! ZZZZZ," Saria complied, funny chick, ain't she?

Link paced angrily away from his house and to the spot where he left Navi. The fairy hadn't moved an inch sense he last spoke to her. She actually looked worst. Foot prints covered the area where she lie, and the blue light she emitted seemed to be fading fast. Apparently she had been stepped on multiple times, whether this was on purpose or on accident is up to debate.

"Hey! You still alive, fairy?"

Navi moaned. Yeah, she was alive… barely.

Link took his hand and dug the small fairy out of the ground. He didn't particularly care for her, but he needed an extra brain to get out of this situation.

"Navi, I need an extra brain to get out of this situation. You see I made a deal with Mr. Mido. He felt like he was such a smart bastard that he would catch me in a loophole. Our job is to re-enforce the fact that he is an idiot," said Link as he walked deeper into the village.

Navi only moaned. And as impossible as it may seem, Link detected hated and malice within this moan. He ignored it however; he was too focused on his goal to be distracted by Navi's ill mood.

"I have to find a sword and shield. The shield half of that was going to easy, but because of some… unfortunate circumstances, even that half is going to be harder than expected. I am going to the local corner store in order to find out the price of the shield. From then we can formulate a plan, detailing how we can obtain it. After all, you have to know your goal in order to achieve it, correct?" Link was amused with himself.

Navi moaned once again, this time with more vigor. She was rejuvenating in life quickly due to her fairy body, but this however, did not make her any happier.

"I believe I can get the clerk with an offer he can't refuse, you know, _Godfather_? But like I said, you have to know your goals. I like to do things with little force and little resistance."

It was at that moment, Navi saw Link for who he was: an evil piece of trash that causes destruction. This was why he did not have a fairy, because if he did have a fairy, he would screw it over. That or it would be dead right now.

Navi detested Link, and groaned painfully and with hated as he placed the fairy in his pocket. He walked towards the nearby corner store and sighed as he stopped in front of it. He knew this wasn't going to be quick; everyone he talked to that day caused some sort of long ridiculous scene. Hopefully he can at least attempt to make this go by quickly.

"Hey Link! Up here!" shouted a Kokiri from atop the roof of the local general store, which was known as Kid & Fairy's.

"Screw you Julie! You are not going to mess with me today!" Link said to the Kokiri, knowing that if he gave her more acknowledgements it would come with repercussions.

"You're no fun," she pouted, before throwing a small pebble at Link. Kokiri were like internet trolls, the best way to deal with them was to ignore them.

_Ding-a-ling! _The small bells on the corner store's door made this sound as Link it open. The store was filled with all sorts of general goods; including food, cheap furniture, toys, toiletry, and of course shields.

Navi slowly flew out of Link's pocket as he browsed the aisles. She was now fully recovered from her resent beating, physically. Her anger however was a totally different story. To Link's relief the fairy kept her mouth closed, when she opened it, things usually go sour.

"May I help you Link?" asked one of the Kid & Fairy's employees.

"Yeah, Chubs, where are your shields?" Link replied to the boy.

The pudgy Kokiri store clerk was not pleased with the nickname Link gave him. He didn't like Link at all to tell the truth. The only reason he even spoke to him just then was so he could get him out of the store as quickly as possible.

"They are right over here," Chubs said with clinched teeth.

The clerk led the duo across two aisles to the back of the store. He then pointed to a tall shelf, which within its racks held the very item Link was looking for. The Deku Shield, the highest quality shield in the Lost Woods Region.

"It's… made of wood," Navi stated.

And the shield was made of wood.

"Of course it's made of wood!" the clerk retorted, "We don't import our goods here! All of our stuff is 100 percent Kokiri Forest!"

Thus, everything in Kid & Fairy's was shit.

"Everything in Kid & Fairy's is the best!" the clerk said smiling, "That Deku Shield for example is made from the best wood anywhere, in fact it is made from the very bark of the Deku Tr…"

Navi glared. The intense fury was growing so powerful that Chubs could physically smell it.

"Very bark of the Deku Tree's Japanese cousin, Deku Tree-san-sama-chan!" Chubs finished, sweat slowly dripping.

"But you said that you don't import," Link informed, with an eyebrow raised.

"JAPANESE COUSIN!" the clerk loudly reassured.

"Whatever. How much is it?"

"40 rupees."

"40 rupees! Get the hell outta here! I will give you a banana."

"Link, don't be an ass. 40 rupees."

"Yeah, I was just joking, and I won't do that lame joke where the next thing I say is I'll give you two bananas."

Everyone waited for Link's negotiation offer.

"I'll give you… _three,_ bananas!"

"…get the fuck out of my store."

"Fine, I'll give you Navi!"

Navi face-palmed as Link's fruitless (pun intended) negotiation came to an end. The store clerk began to push him out of the store; Chubs wasn't in the mood for Link's usual shenanigans. But ever pragmatic, Link had one more trick up his sleeve.

"Yo, Chubs we are on the same team right? We're friends right? Of course you remember when Mido picked on you because you were a little chubby right?"

"Were? What are you now? Skinny? I hate to see…"

"Navi!" Link quieted the fairy before he continued his proposition with Chubs, "And then you asked for my help. Then for a year, I provided protection to you from Mido. And I took nothing from you, I did it out of the kindness of my own heart."

Link put his arm over Chubs' shoulder. Navi sighed in disbelief. This was Link's plan? _Extortion_?

"I think I would like to be paid back now, Chubs, it's the friendly thing to do."

"Well, Link… to tell you the truth, I am not your friend, and I know you are all talk, so nothing you can say or do will make me feel threatened. And with that, I once again tell you in a slightly more demanding tone… _**GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY STORE!**_"

Chubs single-handedly tossed Link out of Kid & Fairy's and into the small stream nearby. He followed suit with an, "and don't come back!" before turning around and walking back into his place of work, satisfied. Navi hovered quietly towards a wet Link, once again shaking her head at this not so sudden change of events.

"I guess when I keep my mouth shut, the bad things pass me by and hit you," Navi taunted.

Link, who was dirty, wet, and cold, stepped out of the water, glared at Navi, and walked away. When he noticed that the duo had gone, Mido stepped from out of the shadows and walked into the store. He saw Chubs at the counter cleaning up, and proceeded towards him. When the clerk noticed Mido, he nodded affirmatively and leaned over the counter to make conversation.

"Well done Chubs," complimented Mido, "but I'm sure he will be back. Like I said, he can't get his hands on that shield."

"Of course not Mido," Chubs answered with a smile on his face, that not too soon faded, "and my name is NOT Chubs! It's Steven!"

"Whatever dude, like how am I supposed to remember that? There are only like, 3 billion Stevens in the world. Can't you be different?" Mido shoot his head disappointingly at Chubs before walking away.

Chubs wondered who was worst out of the two, Link or Mido.

* * *

Author's Note!

Link: Wait, _author's note? _In the middle of the damn story?

Well yes Link, that is right. If I put it at the beginning or end of the story, it wouldn't be original now would it?

Link: It's a freakin' author's note! It's not part of the story! It's not supposed to be original! You're fucking up the flow of the damn story.

It will be alright Link. Anyways I want to thank everyone that is reading right now! Your support is greatly appreciated, after all, if I had no audience then everything I'm doing is for nothing, right? Anyways, I do take every review into account, and of course, none of my chapters are perfect. I have a few grammatical errors here and there, and a word or 2 or 3 misspelled. I am lost without spellcheck, it is a curse. I do however, plan to do something about it, so if I fuck up somewhere, point it out. Like a new piece of machinery, you should never expect the first few units to be without glitches, and it will be like that sometimes, especially with me pumping out chapters every day like this. Anyways, once again thank you. Your support will keep motivating me to the end… where seeing the way this is going, it may be well over 80 chapters before its finished… happy reading!

* * *

Zelda blended in with the bustling crowd of the Hyrule Castle Town smoothly. It was simple for her, for many of the residence have never seen their princess before outside of art work. She smiled to herself, noticing how easier and easier it was getting for her to sneak out of the castle, and she wasn't even close to being a full-fledged ninja.

Of course, this revelation also caused her to feel a bit sad. If she could sneak out of the castle with such ease, what's stopping an even more competent enemy from sneaking in? It was a bit of a dilemma, if she had the security tightened, the royal family's treasures would be even safer, but then she wouldn't be able to come outside of the castle like this any longer.

The girl spotted a small outdoors café, and decided this would be a great area to sit and think about the situation. She ordered a small latté and sat down in a small corner, allowing her to take in the sights and the sounds without being disturbed. Unfortunately it didn't help.

"How are you, lovely," a young man asked her as he invited himself to Zelda's seat.

_"Awesome, of course a dude would want to talk to me now," _Zelda thought to herself, this was the last thing she needed, but she smiled anyway and attempted to be nice, "Oh, I'm fine, how are you?"

The young man wasn't bad looking. He had long blond hair, a fit body that expressed itself well through his tight shirt, a baby face with not a hair on it, and bright blue eyes that could be spotted from miles away. He was obviously very metrosexual.

Zelda would be lying if she stated that she wasn't attracted to this young man, but this just wasn't the time or the place. Besides, he looked like he was going towards his twenties; he needed a girl his age.

"I'm quite well, thank you. You looked a little lonely sitting here by yourself, so I was wondering if you wanted some company," the young man said with a smile on his face.

No, of course she didn't want company.

"Well, yes, I kinda do want a companion," she giggled.

What the fuck it this? She saw through his weak game, and this wasn't a good situation for her to be ogling at boys. But… why, why did she allow him to stay? What possible magic did he have to be able to attract her with two rather boring lines?

"You know, I don't do this often, but I'm going to be direct, have you seen Princess Zelda?"

Holy shit! She should have blew him off, this guy recognized her! She hadn't even been in town for an hour and she was already caught! Oh well, she may as well play his game.

"No," answered Zelda, "I never seen her before, but I often like to pretend that I was her."

"Why would you do that?" the young man asked with a puzzled look on his face.

"Because she is really well taken care off, she is smart, and most of all she is pretty… at least that's what I heard."

If anybody was going to pat Zelda on the back today, she may as well do it herself.

"Well, I believe that's true, and I did hear that Zelda is the most beautiful girl in Hyrule…"

Zelda liked this rumor.

"…but, I know that isn't true."

"Is that right?" this guy was beginning to piss Zelda off.

"That's right, because you are obviously more beautiful than Princess Zelda could ever be!"

Son… of… a… bitch…

* * *

"So what now, smartass?" Navi asked with a smirk on her face. Funny of her, she enjoyed the misery of a Kokiri.

The group had since left the Kokiri Village and had traveled into the Lost Woods. The Woods itself was very dense and because of the magic within it, it distorted all intuition. Even if a human being had the sense of direction of a magnet, one is normally bound to get lost within the Lost Woods. Luckily, Link and Navi were locals.

"We have got to get that shield, so we may just have to get help from the Deku Scrubs," Link replied.

The best place to find a Deku was in the Lost Woods. It made sense, they were the shadiest, most untrustworthy inhabitants of the forest, and what better place to be than a place that can be compared to the dark alleys in the slums of a major city.

"I don't like the sound of this," Navi muttered mostly to herself, "I wish I wasn't in this situation, I wish I was doing my old job. GOD DAMMIT! Why? Why do I have to deal with this shit, my old job was much simpler, I didn't have to get into these stupid zany schemes to get what I want, I HAD what I wanted!"

"Well right now you DON'T have what you want!" stated Link, annoyed with Navi's endless rants, "This is why we are here now, in order to GET what we want. And right now I want that shield!"

"And what about the sword? We are not going to get a sword from some deus ex machina!"

As soon as Navi said that, a ghost of a long since pasted Kokiri, floated towards the two, and placed a short sword in front of them. The ghost nodded, and dubbed the blade, the Kokiri Sword, and bestowed it to Link. Just as quickly and randomly as the ghost came, it vanished in thin air, no trace of it remained besides the Kokiri Sword.

"It's too dangerous to go alone! Take this!" said a voice that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

And just like that… nothing.

"What… the… FUCK JUST HAPPENED?" Navi asked, bewildered from this sudden change of events.

"The author had no idea of how to get me to find the Kokiri Sword in the story without slowing down the plot. It is already taking too long for us to reach the Deku Tree and the climax of the current story arc, as a result he had to pull something out of his ass so he could focus on the other parts of the story, including the idea of how the Deku will be in league with Queen Gohma, and Zelda's current sub-plot, which is moving much faster than us, the main story. We are barely even two percent into the game."

Navi had no clue what the hell Link was talking about.

"Because this is an informal and not a very serious retelling of Ocarina of Time, the author has the ability to pull a deus ex machina without destroying the integrity of the story, mind you that this isn't a half assed parody, our characters will develop as the story goes on. Oh, and to justify the ass pull, in the game Ocarina of Time, the idea of Link finding a sword in a treasure chest, the middle of a garden, protected by a boulder is flat out foolish. It's obvious that the original source material didn't take itself seriously, thus the author asks you, the readers of this fan fic, not to judge the author for pulling such a stupid move, but rather you should applauded him for his original interpretation of the entire world of Hyrule. Thank you, please review the story, it means a lot. This scene will never be mentioned ever again for the duration of the entire story," finished Link, as he took the Kokiri Sword and the scabbard it was in and scrapped it onto his body.

"Do you even know how to use a sword?" asked Navi, a little concerned.

"No, but what will I be using it for?" Link replied, "I merely need this to get past Mido. Afterwards I'll just keep it as a collectible."

Not a moment later, the group heard a rustling noise. Link and Navi, ever alert, looked towards the direction of the noise, cautious of what it could be. Navi, having better senses than Link, few closer to the noise in order to discover what it was, and was relieved to find out it was a small Deku Shrub with a trench coat, moseying along, minding his own business.

Wait, a Deku Shrub with a trench coat?

"Awesome, a Business Shrub!" Link said in glee, as soon as he discovered what this strange creature was.

Deku Scrubs where smart and strange creatures. All Deku were basically plants with brains, but the scrubs where the most advanced of all. They traveled through a system of underground tunnels that was accessible to all other races. They also did battle using these tunnels, creating a new form of trench warfare.

Because of these technologies, the Deku Scrubs were the most powerful of the Lost Woods inhabitants, but this wasn't the impressive thing. The Deku's proudest possession was Deku Corp. ©. It was actually one of the biggest corporations in all of Hyrule, which used the finest of wooden resources. As a bit of a gimmick, Deku Salesmen sold various items of the company for commission, finding it a lot better than selling to smaller business wholesale. These salesmen however, were not above… illegal activities.

"I have a business proposition, Mr. Scrub," Link began, rubbing his palms together, "I would like to get my hands on a Deku Shield, however, the only store that has them in stock is the local Kid & Fairy's."

The Scrub nodded as he listened to Link. He was taking all of this in; he could tell it was going to be an interesting day for him.

"I hate shopping in Kid & Fairy's, it's dank, it's dirty, and its customer service can go straight to hell."

The Deku Scrub would have smiled if it had a mouth to smile with, "I understand your plight, we Deku have been trying to do direct business in the Kokiri Village for years, but the Kid & Fairy's is already well established. We couldn't compete with it if we attempted to set up shop there."

"I see," Link said, continuing his proposition, "so how about this, we put the Kid &Fairy's out of business without you even setting up shop? I know that place like the back of my hand, and I can give you the floor plans."

Navi couldn't believe this. Link was dealing with the Deku Scrubs to make a military take down of a corner store, simply for a stupid wooden shield.

"Hey!" Navi called, "You have a sword, so why don't you just push Mido out of the way? I'm sure he won't fight back."

"Quiet Navi, I'm doing business," shooed Link, before he went back to talking to the Scrub, "so what do you say? You get a store, I get a shield. It's not even an even trade off."

"You can say that again," Navi said, "Someone is probably going to die today."

"Meet me and my boys in front of the Kid & Fairy's" the Scrub said, now rubbing his own hands together.

* * *

End of Chapter 3… To be continued… Navi will talk more in the next chapter…


	5. Do They See The Deku Tree Yet?

A quick little author's note: I am a liar. A lazy liar. My goal was to update a least once a week and I actually put it on my profile that I was going to. But it didn't happen. You know Newton's first law? Whatever is in motion stays in motion and whatever is at rest stays at rest? I was at rest. Buuuuuut I got a bit of an unexpected success with this story, so thanks to my supporters I am going to get off my ass and update. If I haven't PM'ed you thanking you for a review or subscribing, I will get to that. I appreciate you guys and my fellow tropers. (You know who you are!)

Oh… and now that I'm thinking about it, in about 30 days, this story may be going on a long hiatus. I'll explain why as soon as I know if it is for sure. This however, is a bittersweet thing for you guys. I am going to be pushing chapters rapidly. But when I stop… well, its going to stop for at least three months straight. I'll keep you posted.

* * *

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**A Little Information: Deku Corp.©**

The infamous Deku Scrubs own the mega corporation known as Deku Corp.©. Its main office sits within a deep and unknown area of the Lost Woods Region, however, the multiple Deku Salesmen traveling the land of Hyrule allows the corporation to prosper easily as revenue circulates well throughout the entire country. To find a Deku Salesman is about as easy as walking out of your house and finding the town grocery store.

Deku Corp.© is not without it's faults however. The corporation is very corrupt, just like most of Hyrule. While its products work just as well as wooden products should work, the company executives think nothing of the customer. The only thing they care about is money, and they make that money both legitimately and illegitimately, in most of the ways you can imagine. Smuggling, slave trading, drugs, racketeering, selling middle school children fake hall passes, Deku Corp.© is well known in the criminal underground.

However, their government connections allow them to be practically immune to the law, and as a result, anything they sponsor does unnaturally well. They possess an army of lawyers, they control small residences, and their screw ups are never made public. Deku Corp. ©. is, according to the public, the perfect company to work for.

Rumor has it that the company president actually resides in the District of Termina, but that will be elaborated on in _Legend of Zelda: Epicness of the Mask: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Sequel._

_

* * *

_

**Kokiri Emerald Saga  
****Chapter 4: Do They See The Deku Tree Yet? Maybe…**

Allan. That name belonged to the strange and persistent young man that Zelda just met. She knew that she was infatuated with him and she knew that, due to her circumstances and her status, it was a really bad idea simply to have a long conversation. But for some odd reason she just couldn't break herself away from him.

"Lets go for a walk, miss…" Allan held his last word in an attempt to drive a name out of Zelda.

The girl, having done this often, was quick to think of a alias for herself.

"Lexi. My name is Lexi," Zelda lied with a sweet smile on her face.

The young man also smiled, and when he did his face and the very world around him seemed to sparkle. If this were an animé or a manga, you would call this man bishonen. He was ridiculously pretty for almost no reason other than to seduce a sexually immature child known as Zelda.

Actually it was practically wrong… I don't think I'm allowed to even write about this stuff…

"Well, Miss Lexi?" Allen held his hand out, motioning for Zelda to take it.

"_Damn my estrogen! Damn it!" _Zelda thought to herself as she took Allen's hand and began to walk the crowded streets of Castle Town.

* * *

"I would like to thank you for helping Deku Corp.© grow and progress Mr. Link," the Deku Salesman stated as Link greeted him by Kid & Fairy's, "If you ever need a job, just call me."

The Deku Salesman took out two fresh business cards and handed them to both Link and Navi.

"Thanks much," Link said as he slid the business card into his Kokiri Wallet.

Navi wasn't as thankful though, and frowned at the card as she took it.

"Thanks but no thanks. I have a very great job already," she explained as she handed the card back to the salesman, "Besides, no offence, but I couldn't work for Deku Corp.© and feel good about it."

"You've been going on about that job for three chapters now! What is it that you do?" Link asked, which is basically the question that we are all asking, right?

"Well, Link, if you must know, before I got charged to hang out with you, I was hanging out with this generation's brightest young minds. I was widely respected among my peers and often sought after among those who have heard of me and my skills. I was given multiple awards and often praised by those who held, not only great, but positive influence towards the masses! I was…"

"You was a fairy stripper?" Link interrupted with his ignorance.

"NO!" Navi quickly retorted, "I was a…"

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!**

Navi was interrupted by an explosion. Kid & Fairy's had suddenly been blown to kingdom come right in front of Link and Navi's eyes. Flaming pieces of wood flew everywhere, and the entire forest immediately smelt of soot. Luckily they had stood a nice distance away from the store, allowing them to get away from the shock-wave unharmed. Multiple other Kokiri however, didn't come out so well. Tiny pieces of Kokiri landed everywhere as their little screams could be heard throughout the Kokiri Village.

"AAAAAHHHHHH! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

"AAAAAHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!"

"AAAAAHHHHHH! MY SPLEEN IS ON FIRE!

"Psh, not that he needs it," Navi scoffed.

"What the fuck does the spleen do anyway?" Link pondered.

"More importantly, why did the Kid & Fairy's blow up? Did you guys have something to do with this?" Navi accused the Deku Salesman.

"Of course not!" the Business Scrub gleefully stated as he winked at the boy and his fairy, "Deku Corp.© does not condone none business like behavior and illegal activities, such as rigging a convenience store with explosives and setting them off in order to put said convenience store out of business permanently."

* * *

"_Wrong, this is so wrong," _Zelda thought to herself as she walked with the older man known as Allen.

As the princess, she knew the law. Pedophilia was not something to be taken lightly. This man had to be in his early twenties, but she was barely in her teens. What did he want with her?

"Hey… I just want to confirm something…" Zelda began, "How old are you?"

"I'm nineteen," Allen answered quickly, "They say that how I think about women is wrong, but I don't see anything wrong about it, I love women of all ages! ALL AGES!"

Zelda didn't ask all that, but she got her answer nonetheless. This guy was a sleazebag. Not your average sleazebag though, he was a young, handsome sleazebag with no sense of age preference.

"When you say all ages, you mean…"

"Uh… hey, I'm not creepy or anything like that! I mean sixteen to one hundred!" Allan confirmed awkwardly.

Zelda sighed in relief. He was still a tad creepy though, and he was definitely a suspect, but for some odd reason, Zelda trusted him. Mostly this was because she was young, naïve, and easily influenced by the sexy.

"I looooove the smell of your body," Allan said as he sniffed Zelda's hair.

"Wait, WHAT?"

"Nothing," Allan replied and he strolled along, in the most none suspicious way possible.

The strange conversation paused as Zelda and Allan walked through the quiet back alleys of Castle Town. The young, naïve, and easily influenced Princess Zelda should have known never to walk through back alleys with men that she just met. Now really think about this, in the game, Link, a boy that Zelda never seen in her life, entered the castle unannounced and snuck up behind her. Yet, she trusts the boy immediately. Zelda is a dumbass.

"So, are you from this side of town?" Zelda asked, hoping to get some information out of the young man.

"No, I actually traveled here from Kakariko Village. My father worked in the castle as a chef."

"…a chef, you say?"

"Yes, I know I sound like a little kid when I say this, but my dad is the best chef in the world. Chef Daniel Anderson!"

Like being slapped in the face with a brick. That's the description of how Zelda felt after she learned that she just gave Allan's father the capital punishment… for giving her diarrhea.

"So your full name is…"

"Allan Anderson!"

"And if the princess ever did anything to him you would…"

"I would reach into her pussy and pull her skull through it!" Allan said this with the sweetest smile on his face. He wasn't crazy at all, no sir-ree Bob!

Zelda began to sweat. Not only was she walking with a possible covert pedophile, said pedophile might murder her to death if he ever learned that she killed his father. But maybe he wouldn't find out? Honestly, what are the odds of him getting into the castle anyway? Yeah, as long as he never learned who she was, she would be juuuuust fine.

My goal however is to join the Hylian Royal Guards! That way, not only will I be able to see my father everyday, I can also look after Princess Zelda directly! Allen said.

And then Zelda said this in her mind: "_Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck__!"_

* * *

A group of Deku Scrubs appeared from behind the now burning Kid & Fairy's and met up with the Link, Navi, and the Deku Salesman. They seemed quite happy and proud of themselves in contrast to the rest of the village, where each of its denizens moved expeditiously and busily in an attempt to save the forest from the threat of a wild fire.

"Ah! Mr. Link! Here is your end of the deal, a top of the line Deku Shield!" said of the Scrubs as he handed the boy his new wooden shield.

"Thanks dudes! And you should be rewarded also. You just did the forest a favor by ridding it of it's horrible, horrible service!" Link thanked, taking his shield gleefully.

Navi merely scoffed… as always. "You blow up a store for 'horrible service?' Yeah, sure dudes. That's totally legitimate and not crazy."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA!" a Deku Scrub began after hearing this statement, "We didn't blow up this store! We was just going to talk to the manager, the explosion was a coincidence!"

"Yeah," co-signed another Deku Scrub, "It was a… um, gas leak."

"A GAS LEAK? IN THE FUCKING FOREST?"

Navi had no time to use logic however, because just then the unofficial boss of to Kokiri, Mido, appeared.

"LINK! WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?" cried the Kokiri in a mixture of extreme anger and confusion.

"Damn Mido! Why you got to be like that? Why you got to accuse me of everything? Every time something happens in the forest, you point your finger at me! Is it 'cause I'm black? You're a racist!"

Navi could do nothing but sigh at this statement.

"Link! Chubs was in that explosion! He is in critical condition!" Mido explained.

"Damn, that kid is going to look horrible if he lives. Burn victims have horrible scarring. The worst in fact."

"No, no. When someone gets hit with acid… now that is the worst scarring."

"Dude it's the same thing! The acid burns your skin, so technically it still is a burn wound."

"Acid eats away at your skin. Being burned by fire and being hit by acid is not the same thing."

"Then really explain the difference, because I can't see it.

"Fine, okay, when a man is burned with fire, he…"

"**THIS IS NO TIME TO BE TALKING ABOUT ACID AND FIRE!" **Mido interrupted furiously, "**JUST TELL ME HOW THE STORE BLEW UP!"**

Navi, of all people, gave this answer: "Apparently it was a gas leak."

Mido's brain cells stopped working for about a second.

"**A GAS LEAK? **_**IN THE FUCKING FOREST?"**_

Mido was about to explode until he saw something that either mellowed him out completely or made him so angry that he crossed the line and went back to blissful. More than likely the later.

"Hey Link… is that the Deku Shield?" Mido asked calmly.

"Why yes, young Mido. Made from the strongest wood, so that it may protect me from the dangers that may come," Link tastefully mocked.

"And that… is that the Kokiri Sword?"

"Why yes, young Mido. I wield it tightly so that I may smite any enemy that stands in my way. And most importantly is the symbol that these two items make when they are placed together. It is the symbol of your defeat by my hands once again. It proves that your status as my rival is but a joke delivered by a sad clown and is dismissed just as quickly. It tells the depressing story of how a young man, you, constantly tries to face the invincible giant, me, in a battle of wits, yet even though you keep trying and keep trying, your sheer suckatude always causes you to be crushed by my sheer awesomeness. I weep for you, young Mido. I weep for others like you, who feel as though you could possibly defeat awesome main characters such as myself. In fact, maybe I can consider myself as a Mary Sue compared to you. Your shittiness as a character, no… as a soul in this universe, is only useful for one thing, and that is to glorify my existence. Lastly, this sword and shield is a reminder that no matter what you accomplish in your life, compared to me, you will always and forever be shit."

And with that, Link brushed past speechless Mido and FINALLY started down the path to the Great Deku Tree. Getting to the Deku Tree in the game is a 15 minute process, yet in this story it took FOUR FUCKING CHAPTERS PLUS AN INTRO. Now I can finally get on with the fucking plot!

"About damn time," Navi said as she rested on Link's head.

"Oh," Link stopped to wave to the Deku Scrubs before he departed, " Thanks again, Mister…"

Ezekiel Woods! the Deku Salesman said, finishing Link's sentence.

"Thanks, Mr. Woods! I totally trust that you won't comeback to bite me in the ass sometime in the future!"

"Of course not!" Ezekiel confirmed.

As Link and Navi left, satisfied, Mido finally spoke up, leaving Link to hear these final words: "YOU ARE TRASH LINK! I WILL NEVER RESPECT YOU AS A KOKIRI! **NEEEEVVVVEEEEEERRRRR**!"

* * *

End of Chapter 4... To be continued… because I love you… seriously…


	6. They FINALLY See The Deku Tree

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**More Story Background: The Deku Tree**

The Great Deku Tree is the guardian spirit of the forest. While there were multiple Deku Trees before the current one, this living Deku Tree is in fact the oldest tree in the Lost Woods Region. As a result, he is also the wisest being in the forest, despite being rooted to the same spot since birth. The Deku Tree's intellect is justified by his spiritual powers, and his ability to retain much of the memories from his ancestors.

The Great Deku Tree has seen so little, but he has witness more than anyone else would in their lifetime. The Great Deku Tree has barely heard a thing, but his ears have captured more sounds than the world's greatest listener. The Deku Tree's power not only spreads through the forest, but throughout much of the Holy Land of Hyrule. His greatest spiritual ability is often said to be his foresight, for often times it was proven that the Deku Tree would know of a man years before that man will have ever learned of the Tree's existence.

But what is it that the Tree is weak in? What is the one thing that the Tree knew nothing about? Parenthood.

The Kokiri are actually a fairly new race, dating back a few hundred years. They were created as an experiment. An experiment to see if the Tree could create and raise life. Obviously, he didn't do so well. But regardless of the Kokiri's faults, he loves them nonetheless. The Great Deku Tree was the ideal father figure…

* * *

**Kokiri Emerald Saga  
****Chapter 5: They FINALLY See The Deku Tree. But Shit Goes Down with Zelda.**

Its not often that the Kokiri are allowed to see the Great Deku Tree, so whenever one is called to see him, it is an honor. Link himself has only seen the Great Deku Tree about three times over the course of his life, and he was excited. His heart began beating faster with each step he took, and the small 2 minute walk to the Tree's meadow seemed to take two hours.

Navi was also excited as well, but for a different reason. Fairies, unlike the Kokiri, meet up with the Deku Tree multiple times a year. Often to be assigned different jobs, or to be briefed on the changes in the forest. To give a comparison, the Great Deku Tree could be called the commanding General to the fairy military. Because of this, Navi simply wanted to know why he needed this boy so badly, and most importantly, she wanted to finally finish this assignment and get back to her old job.

When the duo reached the Great Deku Tree, they each had a different reaction. Navi flew directly towards the Deku Tree and landed on one of his branches, proud of herself for completing her simple task. Link on the other hand was never used to seeing the Tree, and the majestic aura that the Tree emitted made like Link weak in the knees.

"Navi!" boomed the Tree, "Thou hast finally returned. Link, welcome… I must say that it took you both quite a while."

"Yeah, I'm sorry Great Deku Tree, we ran into quite a few distractions," Link explained as he scratched the back of his head, "Anyways, sir, I know that you wanted to specifically see me since I'm awesome and all, but I have something I have to present to you…"

"LINK!" interrupted Navi, getting angry very quickly, "Stop being an imbecile! The Great Deku Tree doesn't care about your Cursed Weed!"

"Of course he wouldn't care if he hasn't seen my presentation! You haven't even given me a chance to sell it!"

"Marijuana is illegal in Hyrule! Plus it screws up your brain cells! And don't give me that, 'Oh, you can't get addicted to weed' bullshit!"

"You can't get addicted to weed!"

"Nooooo, you're not addicted, you're committed! I know how the shit works! You know what's wrong with you? You are a smart boy, practically a genius, but you want to use your skills to advance idiot-kind! THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED MORE POT-HEADS!"

"I'M NOT CREATING MORE POT-HEADS! I'M CREATING A NEW BREED OF POT-HEAD! YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND NAVI!"

"**FUCK YOU!"**

"**FUCK ****YOU BACK****!"**

**"FUCK YOU WITH A STICK!"**

**"FUCK YOU WITH A... **umm... **BIGGER STICK!"**

"_**SHUT THE FUCK UP!" **_when the Great Deku Tree curses, everyone shuts up.

Both Link and Navi hung their heads in shame. They had to have been terrible people to have made the Deku Tree swear.

"I understand that thou hast much to ask of me, but unfortunately, I have urgent business for thy."

Link picked his head up and listened curiously. Navi did the same thing, finally she was going to figure out what was so special about this bastard.

"The forest is falling into a darkness that it hast never known. The aura from this evil is powerful, yet those who are not sensitive to it never notice it. Link… I know that thou hast felt it."

"HE DID?" Navi inadvertently said aloud.

"I did? But…"

"Link, Navi, I have been cursed."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" exclaimed the duo simultaneously.

"Link… I need your wisdom and courage to combat this curse, and save me as well as thy woods."

"**WHAT THE FUCK?"** they both said again, even more surprised.

* * *

Deep within the Deku Tree lurked groups of highly intelligent criminals. Each of them held a specific assignment, and they each performed that assignment well and with excellent timing. Some workers were charged with mechanising the Deku Tree, by developing automatic doors and a sewer system. Others were charged with one of two much more important tasks, the two projects that made this all neccesary.

"HEY!" shouted one of the supervising Deku Scrubs, "Be careful where you're sawing! If we came across the Spiritual Stone, we all would get a promotion, but if you accidentally destroyed it, that's everyone's ass!"

"Sorry," responded a Gohma Larvae, "But I don't understand what I did wrong!"

"When working in an unknown area, you always check your surroundings! Plus you could hurt someone! Jezz..."

Some of these workers were miners, moving through the Great Deku Tree's root system in order to find the legendary Spiritual Stone. While it may be obvious that the Deku Tree may not be hiding the stone inside himself, the mining also served a method of torture, to get the Deku Tree to give up the Stone.

After his scalding, the young larvae did as told and checked it's surrounding area. Being in a rush however, it did not check as thoroughly as the Scrub would have liked, and resumed sawing the piece of wood that was planned to be used as a door. Just then, with horrible timing, another Gohma larvae passed underneath the work area just as the negligent larvae finished.

"TOMMY! GET OUT OF THE WAY!" shouted the supervising Scrub as it witnessed all this.

The larvae did the total opposite of what the supervisor wanted, and stood still, responding a quick, "What?" before it was smashed to death by the falling future door.

The door landed with a loud and expected thud, but what alerted the negligent larvae that something went wrong was when it heard the unexpected crunch of a spattered insect.

"Umm… s-sir… what just happened?" the larvae asked with a little fear quivering in it's voice.

"Tommy was under there Jim," the Scrub began coldly, "You just killed your own brother."

Jim's one freakishly huge eye grew even bigger and more freakish when he heard this news.

"NOOOOOOOO!" it cried, as tears formed around it's eye.

The hideous spider/frog/monster thingy then quickly sprinted away, unable to accept his deadly mistake.

"This is why there are child labor laws! So the stupid ass Gohma Larvae don't accidentally kill their own siblings!" the supervisor complained.

"Oh, get over it!" said another Scrub, "You know Queen Gohma is just going to pump out another one! We all know that the Queen is a slut like that!"

"Slut? I thought she reproduced asexually?"

"Are you sure?"

The Deku Scrub shuddered in disgust, "Please don't tell me that there is a 'King' Gohma! No way, that thing is not a mammal!"

"Ah, but even spiders mate! In fact... I seen quite a few male Gohmas entering the Queens chamber."

"David, please don't put that image in my head."

"You know what I heard? UGH! AAHH! GIVE IT TO ME! PUT IT IN DEEPER!"

"AAAAAHHHHH! BRAIN BLEACH! BRAIN BLEACH!"

* * *

This task was unbelievable. Link didn't know about anything the Great Deku Tree was talking about. Navi either, but what bothered her the most was that the Great Deku Tree chose a random Kokiri to complete this task. Probably the worst Kokiri at that, in fact he just helped blow up a building no less then an hour ago.

"But Great Deku Tree, this kid helped blow up a building no less than an hour ago! A few Kokiri died today because of him!"

"Navi! For the last time, I had nothing to do with that gas leak!"

"WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING GAS HERE! THAT'S THE STUPIDEST LIE I EVER HEARD!"

"NAVI! LINK! This is not the time to argue. Link, I understand that thou haft made mistakes in the very resent past, but thou art my only hope. Will you complete this task?"

Link thought about it for a moment: "_Hmmm… save the Deku Tree… this is huge, but what do I know about… OH! Cursed Weed! Of course I can get rid of the curse! After all the Deku Tree is a plant! Maybe… maybe I will get a chance to __smoke__ the Deku Tree! Hell yes! And of course when I save him, he will not have any other choice but to fund my research on Cursed Weed! I'm going to be the most famous Kokiri in the history of the forest! Yes, the Deku Tree is giving me the chance of a lifetime!"_

"Yes, Great Deku Tree! I accept this task!" the boy finally said aloud.

If the Deku Tree had lips, he would smile at this very moment. Without hesitation the Tree slid down a part of his bark that could be identified as the mouth, and created an entrance large enough for multiple Links to enter at once.

"Well I'll be on my way back to my old job now. Its nice to have met you Link, though honestly, if I never saw you again for the rest of my life I wouldn't really care. You're a douche and I hope you burn in hell. Good luck though!" happily said Navi, just as she was about to leave.

"Navi," the Deku Tree began.

"I'm so sorry for being disrespectful Great Deku Tree, but I really disliked this mission. Taking a break from my old assignment for a while was a really great change, but I actually appreciate that job even more now."

"Navi, your mission is not yet done, you must accompany young Link as he goes through this trial."

Navi's face made a small but noticeable facial tick.

"What?"

"He said you were coming with me, fairy," Link answered.

Navi's blood pressure began to go up. Her light blue glow flickered as though she were about to explode soon. Her breathing grew shallow and rapid, and if her face could be seen, it would be described to be redder than an apple.

"Navi are you o…"

"_**FUCK NO I'M NOT OKAY! I AM TIRED OF YOU! I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOU! I AM TIRED OF SMELLING YOU! I AM TIRED OF ALL YOU AND ALL OR YOUR IGNORANT KOKIRI FRIENDS! I HAVE BEEN TO SCHOOL, NOT TO BABY SIT LITTLE DUMB SHITS SUCH AS YOU, BUT TO TEACH THOSE THAT WANT TO LEARN! THAT'S WHY I GOT MY PH.D! THAT'S WHY MY NAME IS DR. NAVI G. FEY! YOU HEAR THAT DOCTOR! D.O.C.T.O. MOTHER FUCKING R! NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO BACK TO THE COLLEGE THAT I LOVE, WITH THE MAN THAT I LOVE, AND TEACH THE STUDENTS THAT I LOVE, REAL BIOLOGY!"**_

"That's what you are? A middle-aged Biology professor? No wonder why you always nag about shit! And the fact that in the game you know about the general biology of multiple enemies… It all makes sense now! How in character!"

"_**SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOTHING! GREAT DEKU TREE I REFUSE TO WORK WITH THIS BOY! I REFUSE!"**_

"Navi, Deku State University has been destroyed!" cut in the Great Deku Tree, hoping to stop Navi's rant.

It worked. Navi stopped dead in her tracks. At first she was redder than an apple, now she is paler than an onion.

"It…it has?"

"No," the Deku Tree confirmed, "But if you don't get inside me with Link, I will make sure that you never see the campus again!"

Navi pouted and landed on Link's hat. Satisfied by the circumstances, Link asked no further questions and proceeded inside the Great Deku Tree.

"Hey, I really thought you were a fairy stripper, but this makes much more sense, plus its not a cheap and predictible joke!" Link commented.

Navi rammed her tiny fist into Link's skull upon hearing this.

* * *

Zelda's heart pounded faster as she walked with Allan. She was afraid of his wrath and what would happen if he were to find out what she did. Her fear was actually showing through her act, causing her to shiver and behave even more awkward around the young man.

"Is there a problem, princess?"

"GGAAAAHHH!" shouted Zelda, causing attention to be drawn to her, "What did you call me?"

"Princess…" Allan replied, confused by Zelda's reaction, "Is that a problem? Don't you like to be called princess?"

"You think I'm Princess Zelda don't you?" Zelda asked, growing quite paranoid.

"Nooooo! That would be crazy!" Allan said with a smile on his face, "Why would Princess Zelda come out in the middle of town alone and dressed like you? No offence I mean!"

That was it. Zelda was now officially screwed in the head. Anything this guy said would fuck her up even more. She had to get away… but then he would probably appear at the castle. Maybe he was harmless… yeah. He couldn't have known that she was really Zelda. No, it was a lie, he DID know that she was Zelda! He knew from the beginning. Or maybe she gave it away? Or maybe he really didn't know and her imagination was going everywhere… MAYBE HE WAS WORKING FOR GANONDORF!

Zelda had to get rid of Allan… but how? What could she do…

Just then she saw a small carriage pass, driven by a large man in a blue jump suit. Zelda recognized the carriage and the man: it was Mr. Talon of Lon Lon Ranch. He was headed to the castle to make his twice a week milk delivery. At just that moment, Zelda figured out exactly what she was going to do.

"Mr. Allan, I need to talk to the Lon Lon guy. I want to buy some milk," Zelda said with no emotion in her voice.

"Sure, go right ahead, but don't go running away now! I'll catch you!"

Mind fuck.

"Excuse me sir!" Zelda called out as she ran to Talon's carriage.

"Yes, little girl," the man replied, with a very sleepy and lazy look on his face, "What do you need?"

"Well I need…" Zelda stopped for a second to figure out what she was smelling. There was a very strong stench coming from Talon's body, and Zelda couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't a disgusting odor, but it burned the nostrils slightly. It was an awkward smell that you would never sense in a public place… but it was familiar, as it was the same smell that her father discharged a few soldiers for… wait…

"Is there a problem little lady?" asked Talon, as he looked directly into Zelda's eyes.

Zelda figured it out then. Talon's eyes were lazy and bright red. Zelda was smelling marijuana. Talon was a weed head. That answers everyone's questions about why Talon was always so sleepy and lazy. Don't do drugs, or you will be Talon. Talon fell asleep and forgot about his daughter in a large city filled with sexual predators. **Above The Influence**.

"May I please buy a bottle of milk from you sir?" Zelda asked sweetly.

"Yes you may!" Talon replied.

The upper middle aged man hopped off his carriage and walked to the back of it to search through his cargo. Without taking long, he pulled out a fresh bottle of the famous Lon Lon Milk and placed it in Zelda's hands.

"I normally charge 20 rupees for this milk, but for you, I'll only take 10."

"Thank you," she said as she reached into her pockets and handed the man two blue rupees, "And get yourself clean!"

"CLEAN? Bitch, I own a ranch! I don't need to get clean!" and with that, Talon was off to finish his delivery to Hyrule Castle.

Zelda shook her head, feeling sorry for Talon and forgetting Allan for a small moment. But it was a very small moment. As long as Allan was there, she could never get him out of her mind.

"Hey, Allan, come back here, I have something to show you!" Zelda said as she ran into a small, quiet corner.

Allan took the bait and followed. He developed a huge smile on his face as he walked towards her. Zelda had no idea what was going through his mind, but as far as she knows, he could be thinking that he is going to get lucky… the pervert.

"So, Ms. Lexi… you pulled me into an alley with no one around to see us. We are all alone… what is it that you want to show me? I bet I can guess…" Allan said as he motioned his hand on Zelda's hips.

Zelda was right, Allan was a perv, but she was ready. She looked around one more time to see if anyone was looking, and when she discovered that the coast was clear, she pulled out her fresh bottle of Lon Lon Milk. But this milk wasn't to drink, oh no.

**SMACK!**

Zelda swung the bottle hard and connected it with Allan's skull. The man had no defense against the girl's attack, and was just as quickly knocked unconscious. But Zelda didn't stop there, no, she smashed Allan's head with the bottle four more times, until she finally cracked Allan's skull and drew blood.

One more blow with the bottle satisfied her. She hit him so hard that his head made a crunching sound. The bottle also cracked too, but not enough to shatter it or make the milk leak. Checking his pulse to see if she completed the deed, Zelda discovered that Allan was in fact dead. Killed by blunt force trauma. Murdered in cold blood.

Zelda had only one task left, and that was to hide the body. Using what strength she had left, Zelda dragged Allan's corpse through the alley until she found a large dumpster.

"There!" Zelda thought to herself as she pulled Allan's heavy body.

Zelda opened up the top of the dumpster and attempted to push Allen's body inside. The body fell a few times, but Zelda eventually succeeded without even leaving a trail of blood. She then closed the top of the dumpster and sighed. **Voilà**! Allan was no more!

"Phew…" Zelda sighed once again, but then she realized the time, "Oh no! I'm going to be late for my studies!"

And with that, Zelda was back off to the castle, with her murder weapon bottle of milk still in tow.

* * *

End of Chapter 5... To be continued… Did Allan really know Zelda's secret? You will never know…


	7. Break the Curse With Sex Jokes

**Shameless Self Promotion: **Wow… dude this is the 7th entry to this Deconstructive Parody! Either you stupidly decided to skip through all the other chapters, or you have read everything straight through! To those that did the later, you guys are great! If you did the former, start over and try again. I highly appreciate the support, after all, without the reader, the writer is nothing.

But if you like this then allow me to recommend another one of my stories: _So Close Yet So Far. _It is a two-shot involving the Temple of Time and how it struggles with it's feelings toward Death Mountain. Yes, you read that correctly, it's a one-sided romance fic between two inanimate objects. …don't look at me like that! It's good, honestly. So when you are finished with this, go ahead and click on my profile and read and review _So Close Yet So Far._ And if you really like it, don't be afraid to add it to your favorites list!

Thanks Much,

Villain-of-Awesome

* * *

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**You Should Know This: Dr. Navi G. Fey, Ph.D**

Dr. Navi Gates Fey, or better simply known by her first name, Navi, is a middle ranking fairy born in the Lost Woods. She is in her early thirties, though she can fit in well with young adults.

Ever since she was born she had a love for learning new things. Such a passion allowed her to attend some of the top fairy schools in Hyrule, and continue her education until she finally earned her doctor's degree in biology. As a result, she is well learned when it comes to the creatures in Hyrule, and she is also well traveled, allowing her knowledge to expand beyond that of the Lost Woods Region.

As she gotten older, she began teaching at Deku State University. Teaching became her number one passion, and everyone knew it. Her students loved her but of course that wouldn't stop some of her co-workers from being jealous of her. At DSU she also met another young fairy, who held the same passion that she had. His name was Joseph, and Navi just knew that he was going to ask her out. But he never got a chance to, because the Great Deku Tree soon sent her on another assignment: her current job with Link.

Navi is very angry and annoyed by her current situation. She doesn't understand why she had been taken away from her perfect life, to work with a member of one of the few races that she absolutely hated, the Kokiri. She doesn't think its fair. She loved her life, she enjoyed everything about it, but to have it suddenly taken away for this?

"_It's a good thing it's only temporary_," Navi thought.

If only Dr. Fey had a clue…

* * *

**Kokiri Emerald Saga  
Chapter 6: Break The Curse With Sex Jokes! Seriously, They Couldn't Be Avoided.**

"Wow…" Link began as he walked into the large and brightly illuminated insides of the Deku Tree, "He is much more hollow than I thought!"

"Hollow? No way, this isn't right!" Navi stated, just as awestruck as Link.

The duo walked a small distance away from the entrance, and took a look at their surroundings. The Deku Tree's insides were built as though it was meant to hold several groups of people. It contained ramps, doors, ladders, office equipment, cubicles, and what looked like a smoothie bar.

"What kind of bastards would build a smoothie bar inside of the Great Deku Tree? He is a sacred being for God's sake!" Navi shouted, highly disapproving of what she saw.

"What the…" said a passing Deku Scrub when here overheard Navi, "In-INTRUDERS!"

**WHOOP!**

**WHOOP!**

**WHOOP!**

That was the sound made by the emergency alarm that was set off. Link and Navi looked at each other, totally confused at what was going on.

"**INTRUDER ALERT, INTRUDER ALERT, ALL TRAINED PERSONAL PLEASE REPORT TO THE FIRST FLOOR AND ENGAGE THE ENEMY!"**

That was what the voice that went with the alarm said. It was at that moment that Link and Navi knew that they were in deep shit.

"LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Navi screamed to Link as her heart pounded. She didn't care what was going on, she wasn't trained to fight. She wasn't a combat fairy.

"I AGREE!" the boy replied, and ran straight for the entrance. Link agreed on this mission to break a curse, damn the Deku Tree for neglecting to tell him that an illegal operation was going on inside of him.

The two almost made it to the opening of the Deku Tree's mouth before it suddenly closed on them, blocking their path to safety. They were now trapped, and it was only a matter of time before the two were accosted by a group of large spiders with giant human head shaped skulls on their backs.

"SHIT! WHAT ARE THESE BIG ASS SKULL SPIDERS?" Link asked, more out of fear than out of curiosity.

"They're skulltulas!" Navi spit out, "You have to attack their soft bellies!"

And Navi was right by using the word "attack." They were in a fight or flight situation, and as of right now, that flight option was out of the question.

"I SURRENDER!"

That was Link picking a third option.

"NO YOU IDIOT! USE YOUR SWORD!" Navi urged, as her bright light turned yellow.

"But I don't know how to fight!" Link admitted. And why would he? There was no evidence of him ever having touched a sword, let alone trained with one.

Unfortunately for Link, his third option was not recognized, for the giant skulltula used one of it's eight legs to take a swipe at him. Link, thinking on his feet, dodged the attack by rolling to his side. The boy then scrambled to get up, and attempted once again to run away from his attackers.

The group consisted of three big skulltulas. Neither one seemed very intelligent, they were probably the attack dogs of whoever was controlling this operation in the Deku Tree. Link shook up one of the spiders like a basketball star and ran directly for the smoothie bar. At first the direction he was going was just a coincidence, but then an idea suddenly popped up in his head.

"HEY! MAKE ME A STRAWBERRY BANANA SMOOTHIE!" Link shouted to the Deku Scrub who was manning the counter.

"LINK!" Navi shouted as she closely followed Link, "This is no time for a drink!"

"Don't worry, I have a plan, as always!"

"Will that be Tall, Giant, or Gargantuan?" the smoothie maker asked.

"_Why can't they just say small, medium, or large like a normal store? The fuck is wrong with coffee shops?_" Link thought before exclaiming, "GARGANTUAN!"

In less than a minute, the smoothie maker created the best strawberry banana smoothie that you could ever have. Mixed with real fruit in with the creamy Lon Lon Milk and a small cup of real fruit juice. It even had a few strawberry and banana chunks mixed in, to give it an extra little treat.

"That'll be five rupees," said the smoothie maker.

"Thanks," Link said once he reached the stand.

Link tossed the smoothie maker a blue rupee and grabbed the gargantuan smoothie. He then turned to face the incoming skulltulas and stood in a battle stance.

"Please tell me that you aren't going to fight them with a smoothie," Navi moaned as she watch Link get into a fighting stance while holding a drink.

Link didn't answer, instead he swung the smoothie cup horizontally, causing the drink to fly out of the cup and splash on the spider's faces. The skulltulas did as Link predicted, and stopped in their tracks in an attempt to wipe their faces. This was when Link finally pulled out his Kokiri Sword and charged for a deathly attack.

With the skulltulas blinded by the fruity drink, Link was able to attack them with little resistance. He used his foot to kick and flip the spiders over and did just as Navi advised: stab them in the stomach.

Navi was impressed. Link killed three monsters easily, though it cost him some money to do it.

"I guess you're a strategic genius after all," Navi said, as Link walked proudly back towards her.

"What? Navi giving me a compliment? Well that's different!" Link joked.

"You know what else is different?" asked the smoothie making Deku Scrub.

"What?" Link and Navi curiously asked simultaneously.

"Being attacked by a smoothie maker!" the Deku Scrub then immediately leaped on his bar, "EAT MY NUTS BITCH!"

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH!"

The Deku Scrub supervisor, David heard these screams coming from Queen Gohma's room. He knew he had to report to her about the intruders, and it took priority above all else, but he was afraid to knock on the door.

He couldn't imagine what was going on in there, and quite frankly, he didn't want to know. Queen Gohma always had male Gohmas enter her room, and he knew that they were her many sexual partners, so if he was to enter her room while someone already inside, he was pretty sure it would scar him for life.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHuugghhhh…."

And that really didn't sound like good sex…

David was about to turn around and try again later before the Queen's door suddenly shot open. David immediately grew fearful and closed his eyes. He didn't know whether the Queen heard him, or if someone was coming out. And it didn't matter either, David just didn't want to be there. It was the wrong place at the wrong time.

"David," Queen Gohma said from inside her room, "I wasn't expecting you, come in."

David slowly opened his eyes and did as told, but to his surprise Gohma was the only one there. Her partner was nowhere to be found. David still didn't feel comfortable though, he just came from the only entrance to that room. How could Gohma's partner have possibly left?

"You're looking around like you expected to see someone else," Gohma said, amused, "Did you expect someone else?"

"Umm… well…" David didn't know what to say.

"You don't have to look anywhere for my guest. I ate him already."

David's eyes grew wide, "You ATE him?"

"Of course! I'm a female spider monster! And as a female spider monster, we always eat the men that we have sex with!"

David didn't know whether to throw up or to go, 'OOOOOHHHH! Now I get it'.

"Well, Mr. David? There was a reason why you came to see me today. Do you need anything… _pleasured?"_

"No, oh hell no!" David reassured quickly, "I'm here to tell you about the intruders, ma'am!"

"Oh, you mean the Kokiri and Dr. Fey? I know all about them! I'm so glad that they are here too, that bitch Dr. Fey gave me an F! She knew I had around 200 kids to take care of!"

"Wow…around 200 kids?"

"Well, I could never keep up with them. And I can never keep a man, so... yeah."

"Yeah... well, if you don't need anything then…"

"But Mr. David… I do need something," Queen Gohma's voice became low and as seductive as she could possibly make it, "Come here… and I will show you."

"OH NO, NO, NO, NO!" began David, slowly backing away from Gohma, "I am busy! I have work! I have to capture the intruders...and I have a wife!"

But Queen Gohma wouldn't take no for an answer, and pounced on David, penning him to the ground.

"Now gimmie that hard wooden Deku Stick!"

David did nothing but scream, **"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**

"GODDAMMIT! STOP SHOOTING YOUR NUTS AT ME!"

Link's plea was unheard as the Deku Smoothie Maker continued to spit Deku Nuts at him. The boy dodged as many as he could, but he was beginning to grow tired. When all his energy finally depleted Link stopped to rest, but because he was still in the line of fire, he was soon smacked in the face hard by one of the Deku Scrubs nuts.

"Oops! How do my nuts taste in your mouth?"

"STOP MAKING GENITALIA JOKES! WE GET IT!" Link shouted… probably mostly at me since I'm the author and all and I'm the one writing all this. Seriously, didn't you joke about this while you were playing Ocarina of time? A monster that shoots his nuts at you? Come on! That's about as easy as a joke as the Redeads that hump your brains out! Speaking of the which, when Redeads are introduced in this story, I will not make that joke. It's too overused.

"Are you finished now? Can we get on with the story?" Link then said to me.

Yes.

"Link! Smack his nuts with your shield and hurl them right back at his face!" Navi said to Link in his ear.

Link nodded and took Navi's advice. He pulled out his Deku Shield and equipped it to his right arm, ready to take all the nuts that the Deku Smoothie Maker spits at him.

"COME ON! TRY TO NUT ON MY FACE NOW… wait, no, that was so gay. Um… YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET ONE NUT IN THE HOLE IF YOU TRIED!"

The Deku Scrub really did not like what Link had to say, so he fired another nut at him, but not before saying, "SUCK MY DEKU…BALLS!"

Yep, that was a nice alternative. But speaking of balls, in Wind Waker, Link used giant Deku Nuts as golf balls, and had to get them each in the hole so… HAHAHAHA! I am so going to joke about that in _Legend of Zelda: Winds of Awesomeness: A Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Visually Polarizing Game. _

"But you didn't even write_ Legend of Zelda: Epicness of the Mask: A Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Sequel_ yet!"

"LINK, WILL YOU STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF AND REFLECT HIS NUTS?"

As soon as Link remembered the situation, he immediately put up his guard. The Deku Nut that came speeding towards him bounced off of the Deku Shield and smashed directly back into the Deku Scrub. The Scrub was neither as durable as Link nor as prepared as him, as a result, the attack put him in a daze and left him open for capture.

Link and Navi took advantage of this situation, and ran directly to the Scrub.

Towering over it, Link took the opportunity to say these words: "How does it feel being smacked in the face with your own nuts?"

"DAMMIT! Link! That joke has been severely overdone! It's time to stop!"

"Yeah your right. I don't even think we can use that joke for another ten or so chapters. Probably not even for the rest of the story."

"What…what are you going to do to me?" asked the Scrub, hoping for mercy.

"We are going to ask you some questions, such as 'what the hell is happening inside the Deku Tree?'," Navi asked the lone Scrub, "If you don't answer us, don't expect to live!"

"Okay! Okay!" began the Scrub, "Deku Corp.© has a new business partner, and to support him, we are using the Deku Tree as a weapons manufacturer!"

"**A WEAPONS MANUFACTURER?**" Navi shouted. She couldn't believe her ears, the Deku Tree… used to create weapons? This had to be some kind of blasphemy!

But it explained everything. The automatic doors, the lights, why the Great Deku Tree was so hollow, the Deku Tree was being used as a place of work! And Deku Corp.© was screwing over the Tree!

"Who is in charge of this place?" Link asked the Scrub, "And how do we get to him?"

"Queen Gohma is the boss of this dungeon," the Scrub answered, "To get to HER, you need a special code. 2...3...1... twenty three is number one.

"Queen Gohma eh? Sounds familiar," Navi stated, "but more importantly, who is this 'new business partner'"?

"He is a man from the West! His name is Ga- URRP!"

A bullet in the form of a Deku Seed shot through the Scrub's wooden skull and landed in his brain, killing him instantly.

Link and Navi looked to see where the bullet came from, but the only thing they saw as a shadow zipping off. A sniper.

The duo immediately dropped the Scrub's lifeless body and ran up the ramp in an attempt to catch the killer, but they were too late. The sniper was long gone, and the only thing that was left of it was his gun: a Fairy Sniper Rifle.

"This is mines now," Link said, claiming the rifle for himself.

"Why would they kill their own man? Was keeping the secret of the partner so important that they had to kill him?" Navi thought out loud.

Whatever the answer was, these two knew that they have gotten into some deep shit. Whatever was going on was bigger than they ever thought possible…

* * *

End of Chapter 6... To be continued… Seriously, I'm not making anymore nut jokes…


	8. Link Answers the Call of Duty

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**More Exposition: Link**

Not very much is known about Link, yet everyone that grew up around him could tell that he was different. The boy never attracted a Guardian Fairy, yet unlike the rest of the Kokiri, he found no difficulties in living without one. He learned his multiple skills on his own, and his knowledge of the outside world was as vast as a "sheltered" child could be.

Eager to learn about the outside, Link often picked up imported books pertaining to the Holy Land of Hyrule. He learned about the mountains, the sea, the deserts, and cities. He also discovered more about the human body than his Kokiri peers. His constant reading of multiple subjects helped develop his strategic thinking skills, allowing him to become the tactician that he is today.

He is still, however, a delinquent. Living amongst the Kokiri, a group of children that provided no positive examples, helped shape his character. Link is selfish and egotistical with a large lack of a moral code. His ideas of fun also cause senseless destruction, whether that be physical, mental, or even self.

The call of the Deku Tree actually gave him a purpose however. It gave him something to do that was good for another person. It was finally a mission that allowed him to use his skills for good things. Maybe Link was a better person than everybody thought he was.

"I'm really not. I'm pretty much a static character that probably won't develop personality wise," says Link.

Well… maybe not.

* * *

**Kokiri Emerald Saga**

**Chapter 7: Link answers the Call of Duty. Just Read the Chapter, You Will Get It.**

"This is fucking horrible, Link! We have to save the Great Deku Tree!"

Navi shouted those words, and they rang loudly in Link's ear. She was right, the Great Deku Tree did need to be saved, and he was the one who had to do it. He hated the idea, he was not the type of person to put his own life in danger. He would rather plan things out, and let others do the dirty work for him. That's how he beat Mido so much and so easily without ever so much as touching him.

In fact, Link slowly began to doubt himself. After all, the only thing he really wanted to do was sell his Cursed Weed. And even that was out of the question, the damn thieves. Adventuring and fighting strange beasts? He wanted no part of it.

"Navi, I don't think I can do this… I mean look, the shit hit the fan! I thought the Deku Tree simply had a ghost or something that I needed to exorcise. We are fighting Deku Corp.©! I'm in good with Deku Corp.©, I don't want to betray them!"

"BETRAY THEM?" Navi turned red upon hearing Link's nonsense, "THEY ARE KILLING THE GREAT DEKU TREE! The Deku Tree is the creator of almost everything in these woods! He created you! Link, the Great Deku Tree is your _father_!"

"But… Navi…"

"THEY ARE KILLING YOUR **DAD**!"

There was no point in arguing with Navi. She felt to strongly about the Deku Tree, but none of the Kokiri really cared about the Tree anyway, so Link didn't see the point. The only thing good that could possibly come out of this was the Great Deku Tree's eternal gratitude and the glorious privileges that were only granted to people of the highest respect… actually, now that Link thought about it, this saving the Deku Tree thing wasn't so bad anyway.

"Hey Navi, what do we do next?" Link said with renewed determination in his voice, "We have to save the Great Deku Tree as soon as possible!"

"That's the first sensible thing you said all day!" Navi said.

The duo sat and thought for a while about what they could possibly do next, until an answer finally hit Navi while she was looking down at the first floor.

"There Link! We have to go through that spider web!"

"How in the hell are we suppose to do that? You see how thick and huge it is? Link isn't going to get fucked in the ass by a giant spider today!"

Oh how ironic Link's statement is going to be.

"Link, nothing is going to happen to you. If you jump down from here, the speed of your fall should be enough to force you through the spider web, and send you to whatever is happening down below."

"Hells no! I ain't jumping into no pit of doom!"

Funny how Link jumps into several pits of doom over the course of the series.

"Well what ideas do you have?"

"How about we find an exit, and get the fuck on outta here. I changed my mind about saving the Deku Tree! He can wither in hell!"

And as though it had a cue, a giant skulltula slid down the ceiling on a web and flashed its skull shaped back at Link. The sudden appearance of what looked like a human head scared the ever living hell out of Link, causing him to jump backwards and accidentally fall off the cliff.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Link as he fell back-first into the spider web that covered a large pit.

Navi's assumption was correct. The speed of Link's fall allowed him to gain enough force to break through the spider web.

SPLASH!

Link then crashed into the small stream in the basement of the Deku Tree, or from a more biological standpoint, his root system. The boy gasped for air as soon as his head risen out of the water, and he took a quick look around the area to understand his current surroundings.

"It seems…" Navi began once she caught up with Link, "that we have stumbled upon either a sewer system or some other water related facility."

Link really didn't care where he was, he just wanted to get out of the water and back on his own two feet. Damn the skulltula for scaring him half to death; if he had seen it earlier he would have shot it to death.

"Come on Link, lets keep moving."

Navi flew directly to an automatic door, followed by Link, who only just recently got out of the water. The soaking wet Kokiri angrily walked through the door, only to have that anger replaced by shock.

The next room was filled with conveyor belts, all holding some sort of Deku brand firearm. Deku Pistols, Deku Shotguns, Deku Uzis, Deku-47s, and even some none lethal weapons such as Deku BB Guns, and the child's toy, the Deku Slingshot.

"Heh, imagine me using a slingshot to kill giant monsters!" Link said with a small smirk on his face.

That smirk didn't last long however, for Link's very presence was not welcome. Five young, working class Deku Scrubs stopped the jobs that they were doing and prepared for battle. They each grabbed a Deku Weapon and the correct seed-bullets, and immediately began firing at the Kokiri and his fairy. Link and Navi had walked into a fire fight!

"SHIT!" shouted both Link and Navi as they ducked behind the nearest cover that they could find.

Link pulled out his Fairy Sniper Rifle; it wasn't the best thing for a fire fight like this, but it was all he had. Navi on the other hand struggled to find a weapon of her own.

**POW! POW! POWPOWPOW! BANG! ZOOM! POW!**

"YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED BITCH KOKIRI!" announced one of the Deku Scrubs, "JUST GIVE UP!"

"HELL NO!" replied Link, "YOU GIVE UP! DROP YOUR GATS!"

"YOU'RE TRYIN' TO GET US TO SURRENDER?"

The Deku Scrub just laughed and continued to fire upon the duo. Navi spotted a Deku Pistol nearby and knew she had to go for it. Her choice of weapon wasn't a choice at all, the Deku Pistol was the only thing she would be able to use properly. Not that it mattered. She needed something to defend herself with.

"THEY BUSTIN' ON US NAVI! WE NEED A PLAN!"

"DID YOU JUST SAY THAT, 'THEY BUSTIN' ON US?' DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP DISTRACTING THEM!"

Link was just doing that, inadvertently of course. Because of the huge contrast in size and the fact that Link was shooting back at them, the Deku Scrubs unintentionally ignored Navi. This worked to her advantage, as she was able to easily slip from cover and grab and Deku Pistol.

**POW!**

One shot from Navi was enough to shut up one of the Deku Scrubs. It was hit directly in between the eyes with a Deku Seed, killing it instantly.

"OH SHIT! BOB! THEY KILLED BO-" **POW!**

The second Deku Scrub wasn't able to finish his sentence, as Link easily shot him while he was distracted. Only three Scrubs now remained in the room.

"God dammit!" one of the Scrubs began to say as he continued firing, "They killed Bob and Andrew."

"They were good men." a second Deku Scrub said in response to him.

"I hate this! I knew I should have went to corporate, but noooooo, says my wife! You have to stay closer to family!"

**POW! POWPOW! ZOOM! TING!**

"Heh, what does she know anyway? You defiantly would have been getting a lot more money!"

"Don't I know it? I probably would have had my own office and everything."

"So how is the baby?"

"Oh he's doing fine! He's just a little one year old stump right about now, but as long as he has his father, good old me, than he'll be-" **POW!**

Link finished off another Deku Scrub with his Fairy Sniper Rifle. And with good timing too, for that last shot made the boy have to reload his firearm.

"**RELOAD!**" Link shouted to Navi, explaining his reasoning behind the sudden pause.

"YOU FUCKING CAMPER FAGS!" shouted a Scrub in response to his comrade dying.

"STFU NOOB! GTFO!" Link responded as he loaded his weapon.

Navi merely shook her head at the stupidity of the scene happening around her. She then noticed a clear opening that she could get to and made a mad dash for it, hoping that this new spot would allow her to end this quickly. She was right, for the enemy did not notice her as he continued to fire at Link.

**POW! **The fourth Deku Scrub was shot in the leg. But it wouldn't go down that easily. It immediately grabbed it's Deku Pistol and began firing at Navi, hoping to utilize his '**last chance.**'

"OH EM GEE! HAX!" shouted the Scrub as it fired constantly at the fairy.

But Navi was unfettered, and fired a single shot into the brain of the Deku Scrub. Then quickly, without hesitation, the fairy turned around and shot the final Scrub, killing it and clearing the room.

"NAVI! You scored a double kill!" Link said happily as he came out of his cover, "Heh! What a clever series of jokes. If the audience didn't get them, then they need to get their gaming resume up!"

Navi ignored Link's forth wall nonsense.

"Come on, lets hurry to the next room. They probably heard the commotion we started, and is probably coming back with reinforcements," explained Navi as she threw away her gun and proceeded to the next room.

"Yeah, that or they will probably respawn!"

This is your cue to face palm. Go ahead. I'll give you a minute. Are you done? Good. Lets continue on.

The duo soon enter a large round room. They expected to see something interesting, and they did, in the form of a single lone, Kokiri. The Kokiri's face however, was unrecognizable for it had been scared very badly.

"Hello… Link," the boy said with little emotion.

The face of the boy was unrecognizable, but his voice was distinct enough to recognized by Link easily.

"CHUBS!" Link shouted in excitement, "You mean the author actually brought you back with no explanation nor foreshadowing? WOW, he pulled you out of his ass hard. This would have never worked well in a serious story."

"**WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?**" Chubs snapped, angered by his not understanding of the fourth wall, "AND MY NAME IS STEVEN!"

"Steven? Dude are you serious? That'll never catch on. Right, Navi?"

"Yeah, Steven is a bit of a bland name, I mean do you know how many Americans are actually named Steven? A lot of them. It's ridiculously common."

"Not that the author wants to pick on the name Steven like that, I mean his own personal name is Aaron. While it's not an incredibly unique name, it is less bland than Steven. I can simply call you Number 357 and it'll still be more recognizable than Steven."

"Yeah, I mean I actually like the name Chubs. I mean I understand why you don't like it, but I would rather go by that name than Steven."

"Yeah, its not even scary, it's like a weather reporter's name… like Bob."

"Personally, I think Bob is better than Steven."

"You're right Navi. Bob is better than Steven. If you had the name Bob, then you are going places. Plus Bob is a funny name. What joke can you make out of the name Steven?"

"None, you have to be really funny to joke about the name Steven. Speaking of which, I think I just killed a guy named Bob..."

"_**SHUT THE FUCK UP!**_" Chubs interrupted, fuming with anger, "YOU TWO ARE PROBABLY THE MOST HORRIBLE PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET! I HATE YOU! YOU SEE ME COME BACK INSIDE THE DEKU TREE, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A 'Steven, you're alive! What are you doing here? Look at your face! Are you okay?' NO! YOU COME AT ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT AS ALWAYS! AND YOUR RACIST, SELF-CENTERED FAIRY IS NO DIFFERENT! **TWO ARE THE SHIT STAINS ON THE EARTH'S ASS CRACK, AND YOU ARE BETTER OFF DEAD!**"

Navi and Link said nothing for a long amount of time until finally, Link asked the one question to Navi that said everything about their characters.

"Hey Navi, do you actually care?"

"No, I don't give a fuck at all. You?"

"Nope."

That was all Chubs needed to hear. The Kokiri then pulled out his weapon, a pair of Deku-Chucks, and whirled them around ready to fight Link to the death.

"I always wanted to do this Link… now prepare to die!"

Chubs launched into the sky and came down hard with his Deku-Chucks in an attempt to smash Link in the head. Using his shield, the boy blocked the wooden nunchaku and back-flipped out of Chub's range. The Kokiri shop-clerk was unfettered by this however, and continued his assault on Link.

The boy was beginning to grow tired of this. The only thing that really saved him right now was his shield, for he wasn't skilled enough to fight the Bruce Lee wannabe with his sword. Plus the combat was much too close and distracting for his sniper rifle.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" was the sound made by Chubs as he was mimicking Bruce Lee.

Chubs continued his relentless assault on Link, as the defending boy grew weary. To make matters worst, a couple of Deku Babas suddenly grew in the room, ready to eat Link and Navi alive.

"Aw shit! As if things couldn't get any worst! Wait a minute…"

Link swallowed his words for an idea suddenly popped in his head. Spotting a sudden pause in Chubs' attacks, the boy went on the offensive and kicked Chubs hard in the stomach. Using his precious time wisely, Link ran away from the Kokiri shop-clerk and focused on a nearby Deku Baba.

"DON'T IGNORE ME!" Chubs shouted when he quickly recovered.

But Link did just that. The boy killed the Deku Baba without any problems and the evil plant reacted just the way he expected: It's flower-head immediately hardened into a Deku Nut, the very item that Link needed.

"**FLASH BANG, BITCH!**" Link shouted as soon as he picked up the nut.

Link threw the nut directly at Chubs' feet, causing it to explode in a bright flash.

"MY EYES!" Chubs exclaimed as he rubbed his eyes in agony.

Navi and the other Deku Babas were stunned just the same way.

"BASTARD! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO…" Navi never got to finish her sentence because Link quickly snatched her out of the sky.

The boy's entire plan was to stun Chubs, allowing himself the time to run away. And he did run away as he looked for the nearest exit, which happen to be a large hole in the ground leading even further into the tree-dungeon. Link didn't like the idea of going further down, but he had no choice. Either he ran deeper into the dungeon, or die by the hands of a guy like Chubs. The guy isn't even a dynamic character! I wouldn't want to be killed by his kind.

"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! I NUTTED IN YOUR EYES!" Link shouted one last time before he hopped into the large hole.

Navi was not amused, "Link, first of all that was quite gay. Secondly, I thought we got over the nut jokes."

"I guess I had one more left in me!"

Navi merely glared at the boy, causing him to rethink his answer.

"Sorry, I'll never do it again."

When the boy landed on the bottom floor, he spotted a large and fairly inconspicuous door at the other end of the room, but what made it so odd was the fact that a Deku Scrub was standing in front of it, guarding it.

"**I'M COMING FOR YOU!**" shouted Chubs from above. Apparently the effects of the Deku Nut had worn off, and his eye sight was back to normal. Of course this wasn't a good thing, as the duo knew that Chubs was going to pursue them.

Link and Navi speed to the door, and was expectantly stopped by the Deku Scrub.

"What's the pass-code?" the Scrub asked bluntly.

"PASS-CODE? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Link angrily replied, "WE HAVE AN ANGRY NUNCHUCK KOKIRI AFTER US!"

"No pass-code, no pass."

Link was about to draw his sword and fight the Deku Scrub, but Navi stopped him. She thought she knew what the pass-code was, and getting through without a fight would be more efficient than being distracted any further.

"2-3-1" said Navi.

"Twenty-three is number one. You may pass."

Link said nothing. This was a good thing either way, they could finally get away from Chubs. With no words said, the two ran into the door behind the Scrub… unfortunately for them, they ran into an even worst situation, for the room they entered was Queen Gohma's personal chamber.

* * *

End of Chapter 7... To Be Continued…

The end of the Kokiri Emerald Saga is near, will Link be able to defeat Queen Gohma? We know he will, but the point of this story is the question of how? And will Link come out unharmed? Or will Gohma scar him for life with her promiscuous ways? Find out in chapter 8 of **Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**…


	9. Kill The Whore!

**Legend of Zelda: Awesomeness of the Ocarina: The Shameless Deconstruction and Parody of a Well Respected Game**

**Kokiri Emerald Saga  
Chapter 8: Kill the Whore! Death to Queen Gohma!**

The fearless duo with ridiculously bad luck, Link and Navi, walked through the automatic door and into the next room. After a half of a second, the door slammed shut with a loud **THUD**, sealing the two in and terminating all chances to escape. Link and Navi were trapped, and they had no idea what was about to happen.

"We're trapped, and I have no idea what's going to happen!" Link said to Navi as he frantically looked around the room.

"No shit, really? YA THINK?" Navi squelched with anger, "We haven't accomplished shit! And now look at us; we're trapped like animals in the zoo! All because of those Deku bastards and that Gohma bitch!"

"Uhhhh!"

"Link, don't do that! You sound like you're having sex!"

"But, I didn't do anything!"

"UUUUUHHHH!"

"If that's not you, than who is it? We're the only ones here!"

"**YES! YES! YES**!"

"Maybe we're not…"

The twosome looked around in an attempt to find the source of the voice. But they saw nothing.

"I'M COMING!" the voice shouted in ecstasy.

"Coming? Coming where? Coming here?"

"I… think it meant 'coming' as in C-**U**-M. Not C-O-M-E."

"C-U-M?" Link then realized what he spelled, "OH GOD, EEEEEEEWWWW!"

Link shook his head, trying to get the image out, and just so happened to look up. What he saw scared and disgusted the bloody shit out of him.

"Hello! Welcome to my porno!" said the one-eyed monster (take that however you want) Gohma.

* * *

_**Unhealthily Promiscuous Parasite**_  
**_GOHMA_**

_**

* * *

**_

Another male Gohma sat on top of the Queen, humping her brains out (I feel like I'm writing smut), and eventually forced her such a state of euphoria that her one eye rolled to the back of he head. Literally. Her eye went up so far back that it rotated 360 degrees and came back from the bottom. Link and Navi were not amused of course.

"That was the most disgusting thing I ever seen anybody do with their eyes… eye, I mean." Link said with a queasy stomach.

Suddenly, without explanation, Queen Gohma reached and picked up the male that she just mated with, and began eating him. The male Gohma had no chance to scream as he was being crunched on like breakfast cereal.

"I take it back… THAT is the most disgusting shit **EVER**!" Link said before promptly throwing up.

"Ah… It's been a while hasn't it Dr. Fey?" Queen Gohma said as she finished he meal.

"I knew I recognized you! You never changed," Navi replied as she folded her arms, "You could have been a great student, but boys were always on your mind. 24-7."

"I HAD KIDS! AND YOU FAILED ME!"

"YOU HAD KIDS AND YOU CONTINUED TO PUMP OUT MORE!"

"I CAN'T HELP IF I'M ADDICTED TO SEX!"

"YOU COULD HAVE GOT HELP!"

"YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET LAID YOURSELF!"

Gohma struck one of Navi's nerves, and Link was too busy throwing up after every sentence. Honestly, can you really think of the boss of the Deku Tree having intercourse? Not a pretty sight.

"THAT'S IT! LINK, KILL HER!"

"Kill her? Sure. We can't have things like that procreating…"

As soon as Link said that, the parasite laid three eggs, possibly out of spite. Each egg hatched a second later, revealing a newly born Gohma Larva, and each of them were programmed to kill Link and Navi on sight.

"GAH! She is like a baby vending machine!" Link shrieked as he ran from the baby Gohmas.

Upon hearing this, the baby vending machine leaped off of the ceiling and pounced on Link, penning him to the ground. Gohma made a loud shriek and began… snuggling on Link's crotch.

"**AHHH! AAAHHH! GET IT OFF!" **Link screamed as he tried to push the monster off of him.

Navi was busy herself, flying away from the Gohma Larva. All three baby parasites followed her closely, and each had the ability to leap high enough to reach her. The fairy moved around hectically in her attempts to evade the Gohma babies, and upon seeing Link, she flew directly too him, hoping for protection.

"LINK! Help me!"

"I'm a little BUSY right now!" the boy shouted back.

He still hadn't gotten Queen Gohma off of him, and he was beginning to grow desperate.

"You know, Mr. 'Link,'" Gohma began, "I loooove me some Kokiri! You have the best…equipment!"

"**AAAAHHHHHH!**"

Without thinking, Link immediately grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it in Gohma's eye. The parasite squealed when the dirt connected with her eye, and immediately released Link to focus on her vision.

In response to their mother's crying, the Gohma larva dashed towards Link with bloodlust in their eyes (no pun nor attempt at any word play intended). Knowing that he was in for a fight, Link equipped his Kokiri Sword and Deku Shield. Navi then flew by his side for two reasons, the first was for her own protection, and the second was to advise him.

The Larva vocalized a indescribable cry as one of them leapt at the young warrior. Link dodged the attempted tackle, and quickly impaled his sword into it, killing the larva instantly. Another Gohma baby tried the same thing, but it still didn't work because Link immediately kicked the thing in the face sending it flying.

The boy readied his blade for the third Gohma baby, but it never came. He was instead surprised by the fully recovered Queen Gohma, who rushed to him and struck at him with her right claw. Link successfully blocked the attack with his shield, but the strike knocked him off of his feet and to the ground.

"Link! Go for the eye! Shoot the bitch in her eye!"

Link did not argue with Navi and did exactly what he was told. While still on the ground, he reached for his Fairy Sniper Rifle and fired at Gohma without aiming. Of course this was a bad choice; the bullet missed it's target by a mile.

"SHIT!"

Link prepared to fire again, but he was too slow. Gohma used her claw to scoop Link up off the floor, and immediately carried him up the walls.

"Wha! What are you doing?" Link asked as he tried to pry himself out of Gohma's claw.

"I TOLD you that I liked Kokiri! I'm going to give you some ass… and then I am going to eat you like a little green vegetable!"

"**NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!**"

"**YES!**"

This debate continued until Link was finally taken out of the room.

"_**LIIIIIINK**_!" Navi cried, but her voice was unheard.

The fairy had been left to die as the two living Gohma babies approached her, hungry for their first taste of fairy.

* * *

_**A Month Ago**_

It was a dark and stormy night… no really, it was. The Great Deku Tree stood, rooted in his sacred meadow, anticipating the arrival of an evil man. He didn't have to wait long that night, for the man arrived quickly and quietly, somehow leaving the Kokiri Village undisturbed.

"Great Deku Tree!" the man in black armor began, "It's an honor!"

"Ganondorf!" the Great Deku Tree called out, "Thou need not ask! I shalt not give thou thy Spiritual Stone!"

"What? How did you know I wanted the stone?"

"Thou should kowthe not to spread thou words on the Twitter!"

"_The Deku Tree has Twitter?" _the man named Ganondorf thought, not knowing what to make of this revelation, "Whatever. What the fuck is up with your Middle English though? I mean… 'kowthe?'

"How pitiful, is thou education…"

"**SPEAK REGULAR**!"

"Fine! Look, I ain't givin' you no Spiritual Stone! So you can take your ass out!"

Ganondorf smiled at this statement. He figured that the Great Deku Tree would refuse his demands, so he decided to use Plan B: torture.

"G.D.T! Why you got to be like that?" Ganondorf said, with a big smile on his face, "You know… you do seem like you need some stress relived. I'm going to send you my best hoe tonight. Her name is Gohma. When she finishes with you, I'm sure you will want to pay me back with the Spiritual Stone!"

"Try your worst!" the Tree retorted, "You will never get your hands on the stone!"

"We'll see about that! Stupid as forest trying to fuck with us; we the best, son!" Ganondorf walked after saying this, but just before he got out of the sight of the Deku Tree, he said one more thing: "WEST SIDE MUH-FUCKA!"

* * *

A small bit of time had passed since Link and Navi were separated. The boy knew nothing of Navi's fate, but he knew that his own wasn't looking so bright. Link was currently stuck in a large spider web, rapped up so tightly that he could barely move his fingers. Gohma herself circled around Link with glee, happily examining her new catch.

"You expect me to talk?" Link asked Gohma as he tried his best to break from his bonds.

"No, Mr. Link… just like you shouldn't expect the readers to find that James Bond reference funny."

Link gasped, "You can see the fourth wall?"

"Can't everybody?"

At just that moment, a door to the chamber opened, revealing a pudgy young Kokiri with a heavily scarred face and wielding a weapon: Deku Chucks.

"Chubs!" Link shouted, happily, "Look, I know we have had our problems in the past, but you really can't let me die here! I owe you, I swear, so can you please get me down?"

"Get you down? Why would I do that?" Chubs asked with a psychotic smirk on his face, "Me and Gohma are together! Why would I let her dinner get away?"

Link's jaw dropped, "Together? What do you mean 'together?'"

At that point, Queen Gohma crawled down next to Chubs. The Kokiri smiled when the parasite stood beside him, and quickly without hesitation, gave Gohma a long wet kiss. Link turned pale when he witnessed this.

"Yes," said Chubs, "Queen Gohma is my woman."

The only way Link could have possibly been more shocked was if he were suddenly struck by lightning. Right in front of him was the insane pairing of Queen Gohma and a Kokiri. Link's world had turned upside down… and so did his stomach.

"Hey but… your… ugh… 'woman' wanted to rape me! What do you have to say about that?" Link announced hoping to cause some sort of conflict.

"LIES!"

Chubs didn't want to hear it. He was too deeply in love with the parasite. Link could do nothing by sigh in both disgust and pity as he watched the two make out once more.

* * *

"YOU LITTLE SHITS!"

Navi couldn't do anything but scream obscenities at the newborn Gohmas as she flew away from them. Not that it did much to them, the Gohmas just continued chasing the fairy. She needed to think of something quickly; she couldn't keep this up all day.

"Dammit! I can't kill Gohmas myself! …wait… wait a minute!"

Navi had a great idea. She decided to use something that she had already used once that day. Something that you probably forgot about because it was used all the way back in chapter one.

"FAIRY PEPPER SPRAY!" she shouted as she pulled the nonlethal weapon out of her purse.

The newborn Gohmas were not yet smart enough to run away upon hearing this. They continued to pursue Navi, only to get sprayed in the eye with the substance. Being optical monsters, the Gohmas… Gohma? Gohmen? Whatever. The Gohmas died because they couldn't take the spray.

"_Now I got to find that bastard, Link…"_ Navi thought to herself, before flying off in the same direction that she last seen Link taken.

* * *

End of Chapter 8... To be continued...


End file.
